Anger, Grief, and Hope: Where Was God When My Son Died?
Table of Contents Show
Jack’s 10th Birthday + Why We’re Doing This Q&A
I wondered “Where was God when my son died.” And I am not the only one…
Hello, my name is Kathy. I’m the founder of New Mercy Moms, and welcome to the New Mercy Moms podcast. Today I’m joined by my husband, Josh, and we’re here together to answer some of your questions.
Do you want to say hi?
Josh: Hi.
Kathy: We decided to answer questions because tomorrow is our son Jack’s 10th birthday. You can read the full story on our blog, so we won’t share all of that here. We might share parts of it throughout the podcast. It’ll be 10 years since we lost our son, at the end of November.
We thought about what would have been helpful for us, not only in the early days, but even in the years after our son passed away. The things that were most helpful for us were talking to other believers who have gone through the same thing or something very similar, and also hearing God’s Word.
So I reached out to our email list and said, “Hey, do you have any questions? We’re going to record a special podcast.” We got so many questions. We’ve broken them down into seven different segments, or themes. Hopefully this will be a help to you.
A Gentle Disclaimer: Our Words Will Fail, but God’s Words Give Life
Now, just some disclaimers at the beginning: our words will fail. Yes, we’ve experienced child loss. It’s extremely hard. But just know our words will eventually fail.
You’re going to notice a theme: we’re going to share practical things and our own experiences of what helped us, but we’re also going to share God’s ords because God’s words are the only ones that give life when death is all we feel.
Our prayer is that this would be a help to you, that it would gently meet you in your need, and that God would use this to help push you gently to Jesus.
My counselor said to me multiple times, “Your pain will push you somewhere. Your pain needs to push you to God.” I say that often to those I get to talk with face to face, and I want to say that to you. Your pain is going to push you somewhere.
For me, I was being pushed to tons of self-care stuff, which can be helpful. But my pain also wanted to push me away from God. My pain needs to push me to God. And to help us do that, I’m going to share different practical tips throughout the podcast.
Prayer: Asking God to Comfort Mothers Who Are Asking “Where Was God When My Son Died?”
Kathy: Anything you want to add before we pray, Josh?
Josh: Okay.
Kathy: Let’s go ahead and open up in prayer.
Dear God, we are so weak. We fall so short in being able to help anyone. Lord, you are the true Help. You’re the true Comforter. So God, I pray that you would please help these mothers who are listening, help these friends and family members or care providers, whoever might be listening, and that you would bring real comfort, real hope, real healing. Lord, we need you to work.
So God, not to us, but to you alone be glory. And I pray that this podcast would help push more people to know you and to love you because you are so amazing. Thank you for being with us in our pain. Lord, please help us as we answer these questions. We ask this in Jesus’ name, amen.
Theme 1: Anger, Grief, and “Where Was God When My Son Died?”
Kathy: Okay, so the first theme we’re going to talk about, do you want to introduce this?
Josh: Sure. We’re going to talk about when we’re angry. What do we do when we’re angry about our circumstances and the things that have happened in our life? Where do we take that?
The first question we’re summarizing was: “Was there ever a time that you felt angry with God after losing your baby?” I think there were many times where that happened. Kathy, maybe you start by answering that one.
“Was There Ever a Time You Felt Angry With God After Losing Your Baby?”
Kathy: Yeah. When I saw this, I was like, yes, definitely. I wrote a blog post on being angry with God and I share a lot there, but I can reshare and expand on some things.
I definitely have felt angry with God. I tried to run from Him. I knew God was sovereign and controlled the situation. I could not believe that he would do this. And I thought to myself, “Is God doing this just so I would get close to Him? Because that’s pretty messed up.” I thought all the thoughts.
Part of me was like, “I am so angry, can I even talk to God?” Sometimes I tried not to talk to God, but I was so broken and the pressure inside was so great that I had to spill it somewhere.
There was one time in particular, and there were a few times like this, but this one time I was in our apartment. I was so angry. I was yelling, slamming doors. I’m pretty sure it was very scary for Josh.
What We Did in That Moment
Josh: Yeah, it was scary. Not knowing how to respond to deep hurt and pain, and working through God being part of that in your life.
Kathy: So what did you do?
Josh: In that moment, the only thing I felt like was that any words I had probably wouldn’t meet you where you were. So we opened up the Bible and we started reading. You were just sitting there, but I started reading and I found myself in Hosea.
Kathy: We should say you opened up the Bible because I wanted nothing to do with it.
Josh: Kathy had written down a bunch of passages before we lost our son. That’s why it’s important to really dive into the Word prior to difficulty, because God will use that in your life when you come into difficulty.
She had written down a bunch of Scripture, and I was reading through Hosea as well. We got to Hosea, I think chapter six, and it says God has torn us and He will bind us up. That idea that He’s breaking down these things in our lives and He’s going to rebuild us through that.
God’s Word really met us in our need in that moment. Going to His Word really met us in our need.
Kathy’s Honest Reaction: “My Heart Gets Bitter”
Kathy: It’s funny because when you said that, it sounds like that passage really spoke to you. But when I hear that passage, my heart gets really bitter. Like, that’s not the way to do it. I don’t hurt my kids so that I can bind them up. That doesn’t make sense.
For me, what I remember really being a help was when you were reading through Hosea and Isaiah, and how God really showed His love even when Hosea’s wife was trying to run, even when the children of Israel in Isaiah were trying to run away from God. God pursued them.
I felt like I was having a conversation with God at that time. I was sobbing and wailing and so angry. I was like, “God, how have you pursued me through this?” And it was like God said, “I am pursuing you right now.” And I was like, “How?”
And it felt like a slap in the face because it was like, “Your husband’s reading my Word to you right now in your deepest pain. And if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t bring my Word to you.”
It was like Jesus said, “I’m showing my love to you through your husband, and also through my body, the church.” We had a meal coming later that day. It was just a couple of weeks after our loss, and people were bringing us meals. It was so generous of people to do that.
Would you say the “torn to bind up” was a key one for you?
God Never Wastes Pain
Josh: Well, it was for you too. I remember this in that moment. The promise that God would actually work through the brokenness. It wasn’t like he was just hurting you. Even through your anger, sometimes we think he was just tearing apart, but it’s with a purpose.
And I think there were a lot of things that were speaking to you at that time too.
Kathy: So like God never wastes pain.
Josh: Yeah. He’s not going to take these horrible circumstances in our lives and let them go unused. He’s going to step in and do amazing work in those times because He loves us. He loves us in the middle of our difficulty, in the middle of our pain. He’s not abandoning us. He’s actually closer in those moments.
“I Don’t Want to Turn Against God, but I’m Angry.” What Do I Do?
Kathy: Just to make sure that we cover all these questions: we talked about anger with God after losing your child.
Another person said, “I don’t want to turn against God, but I find myself angry at Him sometimes. How did you deal with that?” “Learning how to trust God again after your baby dies,” and “How to keep faith through disappointment.”
Maybe six months, not even a year after our son died, I was visiting with a friend across the country. We happened to travel for work or something, and I met up with a friend I had grown up with. Her baby had just passed away. She was struggling so much with anger with God too. She didn’t want to talk to God, and I get that.
One of the big things God was currently teaching me was: yes, you’re angry with God, but bring your anger to Him. Talk to Him about it. It’s no surprise to Him that you’re angry. He already knows what’s going on in your heart. So the best thing you can do with that anger is bring that to Him.
He’s your Father and He can handle it. He’s not like an earthly father that can’t handle when their kids are really angry that they’re to the point of pointing fingers and lashing out. He can totally handle it. He’s a big God. He can handle your anger.
So bring that to Him. I want to encourage you to do that.
And you know what? That dear friend of mine, years later, it’s almost a decade for her as well now, and she has not turned from the Lord. I’m so thankful. I’m not saying it was me, but God did not give up on her, just like He isn’t giving up on you. So bring your pain to Him.
When you keep asking, “Where was God when my son died,” that question can be brought to him too.
Lament: A Biblical Place to Put Anger
Josh: Yeah, and that’s called lament. There’s a book that New Mercy Moms sends out with care boxes called Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy.
Kathy: Well, some of them, like our older child loss boxes.
Josh: In that book, the author walks through lament. Lament is really: keep turning to prayer, bring your complaints, ask boldly, and choose to trust. Those are the four main things.
If you find yourself in your anger, don’t stuff it under the rug. Take it to God. You do that through prayer. It’s not a time to sound spiritual. It’s a time to bring your heart and clearly articulate what you’re actually thinking, and then ask Him to work. You don’t have to carry that burden.
Sometimes we stuff it and bottle it up rather than taking it to the One who can do something about it, and choosing, ultimately, to trust Him. But it’s not immediately, “I trust You.” It’s giving yourself the space to work through that.
Lament is something you’ll find in the Bible. It’s something you’ll find in the Psalms. So encouragement not to bottle that up and to give it over to God who is able to handle our difficulty.
Psalms for the Mother Who Has No Words
Kathy: Yeah, and I think the stat is that a third of the Psalms at least are Psalms of lament. So open up your Bible. Get into the Psalms.
Most of those lament Psalms do end with hope, but there is one that doesn’t. It’s all lament, all pain. I think it’s Psalm 88. So if you’re in pain, look up that Psalm and read it.
Let the words of God be your words in prayer. Praying Scripture is an incredible thing to do, especially when you feel like you don’t have words. It can give you words to express and process that pain and grief too.
Psalm 13:1–2 says, “How long, O Lord, will you forget me forever?” And then, “How long shall I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” Does that feel like you?
I said this verse a lot: “God, I believe in You, but help my unbelief.” That’s in Mark 9.
Even having that be your prayer: “I have faith, but I fall so short. I know there’s so much more I need to know about You that would help me get through this pain.” And “getting through the pain” doesn’t mean forgetting, but rather it means “help me go through my day.”
Jesus Wept: Where Was God When My Son Died?
Kathy: Some other verses that really meant a lot to me are in John 11, the story of Lazarus. That was huge. I share this on the blog somewhere, but John Piper preached a sermon on John 11 about how death brings glory to God. It was so impactful for me, and it was about the story of Lazarus. It was so gentle, and I highly recommend listening to that as well.
You know, Jesus wept. He wept with Mary and Martha when their brother died. He felt their pain deeply.
There are so many truths in there. It reminds me of the Old Testament passage about the coming Messiah, where He’s called the Man of Sorrows, well acquainted with grief. He’s not unnerved by how deeply you’re grieving. He’s not disturbed, like, “This is too hard for me. I feel uncomfortable.”
No. He enters into it. He comes near. He wants to put His arms around you. He wants you to feel that He is with you, and that actually makes a difference. It’s not just a platitude.
If you’re asking, “Where was God when my son died,” one of the clearest answers we see in Scripture is that Jesus comes close to grief.
Keeping Faith Through Disappointment After Child Loss
Josh: Yeah, and when we’re angry, we feel like sometimes God’s abandoned us and let things happen in our lives that shouldn’t happen. But actually He’s near to brokenhearted people. He’s been through pain. He knows what it’s like and He is near.
That’s one of the themes: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I’ll fear no evil, for You are with me.” You’re with me.
There were a couple other questions in this section I wanted to go back to: how do I keep faith through disappointment?
We have multiple responses: anger, frustration, disappointment is one of those.
We’re disappointed because of what we didn’t get. I remember a birthing class before Jack was born. It was a very long birthing class—weeks. The lady who did the class had this exercise at the end: write out your perfect birth plan. Then for each thing you wanted, she asked “What if that didn’t happen?... And what if that didn’t happen?” She went through all the things, and at the end she said, “Well, you at least still have your baby, right?”
But we didn’t. We actually lost our baby. That deep disappointment happened.
But I think there’s God working through our lives, Him being near us in the middle of that disappointment. He met us in our need, and He was enough for us. Psalm 73 comes to mind that He’s our portion forever.
The verses say, “Whom have I in heaven but You? There’s nothing on earth I desire besides You. Even though my flesh and my heart fail, You’re the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” You’re the One that satisfies me in the middle of that.
As I began to accept and trust in the middle of that, those words began to have deep meaning in my life.
Repeating Truth Until It Starts to Sink In
Kathy: Yeah, totally. What you’re saying is that the words you speak to yourself then start to have deep meaning.
We see that in the negative all the time. With fears and things we tell ourselves that aren’t true about who God is, we so easily believe those things and those go through our heads all the time.
For example, after Jack passed away, I’d be like, “I can’t believe God did this.” “I’m so angry with Him.” “This isn’t fair.” And there were blatant lies too about who God is, like “God doesn’t really love me.”
But as I continued to read the Bible and continued to get counseling from a biblical counselor, I wanted to believe the words of God, but I couldn’t. There was so much noise and fear and lies that I was already believing.
Think about how frequently those lies, fears, and all those things repeat in your brain and in your heart. Then how many more times are you going to have to repeat the truth of who God is and the truth of your situation until you’re like, “Yeah, you’re right. That actually is true.”
And in the middle of that, when the question keeps rising up, “Where was God when my son died,” part of the fight is continuing to bring yourself back to what is true about Him.
A Practical Tool: “Truth Statements” for Fear, Lies, and Loneliness
Kathy: One of the things I did as I was processing through my pain and grief and loss, I had to first recognize the fear and the lies that I was believing about who God is, about my circumstance, and about who I was.
I would write those down. Then I would pray about it. I’d read through different Scripture and I’d be like, “Okay, God, what is Your truth that combats this?” Then I’d write a Bible verse down, and I would summarize with a statement that would be easy to remember. I had them in little books I’d carry everywhere. It’s been so many years since I’ve looked at those and needed them, thankfully, but I have them somewhere special.
The one I’m thinking of is “I felt so alone in my loss.” The truth statement was: “I may feel alone in my loss, but I’m not alone in my loss. I join the ranks of other moms who’ve lost a child too.”
There’s a verse in Matthew about Rachel weeping for her children, and she could not be comforted. It’s in the passage after Jesus was born, when the wise men went to King Herod and were like, “The King of the Jews is born,” and Herod killed all the children two and under.
The Bible verse says Rachel weeping for her children, for they were not, and she could not be comforted. And it’s like, wow. I felt like I could not be comforted, but the truth was that I was not alone in my loss. That was helpful for me.
I had dozens and dozens of truth statements. I’ve got to find those and maybe I’ll share that sometime.
Why Jesus: The One Who Can Do Something About Death
Kathy: Another thing is—why Jesus, why go to Him?
One of the truths is that it is because He’s our high priest. We do not have a high priest who’s unable to sympathize with our weaknesses. So then let us with confidence draw near the throne of grace.
Jesus is the only one who can do anything about our pain. Just like when Lazarus had died, He said to Mary and Martha, “I am the resurrection and the life.” I just really want to encourage you: please go to Jesus with your pain.
Josh: In your frustration, in your anger, and in your disappointment, turn to Jesus. He’s the ultimate answer to death. He looks at His friends who’ve just lost, and He calls them to look to Him for life and resurrection and hope.
Soli Deo Gloria,
Kathy Clum
Kathy Clum
Founder of New Mercy Moms
As a mom who has suffered the loss of my son, I know deep heart pain. I tried to run from God, but He convinced me of His love and comforted my heart with hope and healing in Jesus. Now, it is my mission to share this same comfort with other who have experience the pain of child loss. Read my author profile here.
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