Hope Amidst Pain: Why Keep Praying When There Is No Answer?
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Why Keep Praying When There Is No Answer?
Oh man. I here ya.
Maybe there’s something missing from your life that you wish was there.
Maybe there’s something in your life that you wish wasn’t there.
Maybe it’s both.
If you’ve gone through child loss like me, you undoubtedly would love to see and hold your child again and hate the painful ache that permeates your heart and life.
Maybe you’ve been praying for a rainbow baby (a baby that comes after loss), and it’s been years and there is still no one to fill the nursery with their warmth or with whom to share your motherly love.
Or maybe it’s harder than I can even describe. I am so sorry. It’s all very hard. Why keep praying when there is no answer?
All the D words
Over the years, I feel like I’ve struggled with all the D words: discouragement, depression, and even despair. I’ve poured my heart out in prayer to God, journaling through my heartache so that if/when God did answer I’d have a record of the depths from which he brought me out.
I found my joy was completely gone. Even things I used to love doing were tainted by the pain of loss. I hated life without my son.
Am I there now? Thank God, no. But there was no one thing that helped. There was no one verse, one prayer, one friend, one mantra, or one therapist. No, not one thing. It was the thousands of micro things that God put in my life over the years to slowly chip away at the scars, embed deep the memories, and light up with a joyful fire for things unseen.
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Praying for sun but getting rain.
One of those micro things was a quote I came across a few years ago from Nic Vujicic (link to video): "When you put your happiness in temporal things, then your happiness will only be temporary." This quote struck me and I started thinking really deeply about it.
What am I basing my happiness on?
Am I only happy if the future seems bright?
Is my happiness based on getting what I want when I want it?
Do things that make God happy make me happy?
So often when I pray for sunshine but get rain, I'm unhappy.
I pray for health and ease, but the opposite comes and I'm discouraged. I say things like, "There's hardly any sunshine in my life. And where there is some, it's easily forgettable." I didn’t see any good. I couldn’t feel any joy without pain.
But it struck me that day…not only is it completely childish to say I have nothing good, but it's completely ignoring the good work of the sovereign God in my life.
Why Would God Allow Rain Instead of Sunshine?
What’s the purpose of rain? Why would God allow hard things to continue in my life instead of bringing the good things I pray for?
A few thoughts came to mind I meditated on this:
Rain nourishes - it enriches the soil and is a vital part of growing vegetation and fruit which is needed for the health of earth and all us on it.
Rain washes - through the washing of the rain, dirt and dust are washed away.
Rain smooths - the brokenness of the dry soil is filled and smoothed by the nourishing rain.
Rain moves - it can be the catalyst for or may even become the wave that brings a ship where it is supposed to go.
What if we switched out one letter — let’s switch out the letter R for the letter P. Now when we consider God’s sovereignly planned pain the way we consider his sovereignly brought rain, we may think of it this way:
Pain nourishes - it brings nourishment of God’s Word deeper into the soil of my heart and is a vital part of growing me to be more like Christ.
Pain washes - through tears my eyes are opened to sin and brokenness in my own heart and the abundant kindness of God.
Pain smooths - the brokenness of my torn up heart is filled and smoothed by the gentle Jesus.
Pain moves - it can be the catalyst for or may even become the very "wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages" (Charles Spurgeon). Shall I kiss that wave or the rain/pain that made it?
My life’s proverbial rain is used by God in his great rescue plan for my life. Rain helps me see God more clearly.
When the rain comes, what do you do?
Where do you go?
Are you a runner, like me? When I experience pain, I want to escape it. I want it to end. I easily get overwhelmed. But as a friend recently reminded me, “Hard doesn’t mean bad.” Now there are definitely situations, where wisdom would guide you to get out of a dangerous situation. If so, please do that. But perhaps, you’re pain looks more like child loss, infertility, or fear of losing another child. Story of my life. And as I’ve prayed about the pain in my life and reflected over what God wants me to do, obviously I can’t run from it.
The only thing that keeps me in the pain is love.
Love? Why would love keep us in pain? For me, this is how that has looked over the years:
The initial years after loss: I wanted to run from the pain of life, but love for my husband kept me from doing anything drastic and it moved me to communicate my deep pain so I could get help. I also knew that if I did something, friends and family would really struggle with believing Jesus is really good and worth living for. And even though I was working deeply through my view of God, his love for me continued to sustain me when I was in depths of great pain.
As the years rolled on: We had unexplainable infertility. The pain of seeing negative pregnancy test month after month was so hard. We spent two years trying to adopt, got matched two different times, but it fell through (side note: it’s complex, but I am thankful the mother felt supported enough to decide to parent). That brings a renewed feeling of loss. Love caused us to keep trying for both a biological and adopted baby. At the very least, the mothers who were in very difficult situations and considering adoption, learned that there was at least one more family who deeply loved and cared for them and their baby.
Trigger Warning:
The following paragraph may contain triggers for those who’ve experienced trauma. Feel free to skip to the next section.
Recently: One of my living children struggles with seizures. Those are very scary. You feel so helpless when they’re happening. And they’re becoming more frequent. This is how God has grown me: when my child had his first seizure he choked on a piece of dinner, turned blue, and seemed lifeless when his convulsing ended. God helped my husband rescue him and prompted several friends/neighbors to come help and call 911. I was in a panic. I started to despair that I was losing another child, and I was completely useless to help in any way. The second time; It was Christmas Eve and we were with family. My sister-in-law is a nurse and helped tremendously. I had a panic attack and had to leave the room for a few minutes, but then God helped me gain control over my emotions and I was able to be there for my child. Yesterday, my child had 3 seizures which got longer each time, they were screaming and moaning during them, and they vomited after. This is worse and very unsettling. But I thank God he helped me have complete control over my emotions so I could actually be a help and be there for my child. Great love kept me in the pain and gave me resilience.
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I don’t say this out of pride. If that were the case, I don’t think I’d share where I came from. I share this to say, “Look what God has done!” He is changing me. He can change you too!
Look at Jesus. What could’ve kept him on the path to the cross? I mean, he knew full well what was ahead and was greatly distressed over it. He even prayed that his cup of suffering would pass from him. But he kept going. Why? Because of love.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." Hebrews 12:1-3 ESV (emphasis mine)
What was the joy? You and me — sinners for whom he endured the cross. Wow… That’s just a powerful passage that really meets me where I’m at.
So let me encourage you, love may have you stay in the pain.
What do you grasp?
I can tell you what my natural tendency is to grasp for: temporary things that make me feel good or bring a small level of comfort, escape from the pain, or feelings of control. This looks like retail therapy, day dreaming away the pain, or complaining about where I am.
But what should we grasp?
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV
We should grasp on to what will last: God’s Word, the Bible.
"For 'All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.' And this word is the good news that was preached to you." 1 Peter 1:24-25
But what does that look like practically? Well, obviously you can read it. You can simply take out your Bible or pull up a Bible app and read. But there are other ways too. You can listen to it. Personally, I love the Dwell app. You can listen to it in so many ways: with background music, different speakers, different speeds, on repeat, etc. But my favorite and most frequently used feature is their playlists. They have a playlist of Scripture for all the feelings: loneliness, anger, depression, anxiety, etc. I’ve found that to be really helpful when I’m overwhelmed, or nearly so, with heart pain.
One of the most powerful ways to read Scripture though, is prayerfully. As you read it, pray it. Not sure what I mean? I’ll give you an example with Psalm 70 in a bit. But first, I want to share why this is so powerful. I don’t know about you, but I know sometimes when my mind and heart are reeling from pain, I can’t think very well and I often don’t know what to say. God knows that that’s the case, and so in his kindness has given us words to pray.
About 1/3 of the Psalms are Psalms of lament. That means the author was going through a deeply hard time and was bringing his prayerful cry to God. I am so thankful God has preserved these inspired pieces for us. They teach us how God interacts with us and our pain, and they teach us how to cry out to our faithful God.
Praying Psalm 70
Make haste, O God, to deliver me!
O Lord, make haste to help me!
[Oh, God! See me, see my pain? Please help!]
Let them be put to shame and confusion
who seek my life!
Let them be turned back and brought to dishonor
who delight in my hurt!
[This is where you can pray specifically about your pain:
Please bring life!
Please help me as I’ve just lost my child!
Please help me to have a living child!
Please help my child to live!]
Let them turn back because of their shame
who say, 'Aha, Aha!'
[Knowing the grace of Jesus, I might pray: Those who know our story and are watching it unfold, may you show mercy to them and help them to turn from seeking worthless things and instead see your goodness and love and glorify your name.]
May all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you!
May those who love your salvation
say evermore, “God is great!”
[God, I want your name to be glorified through this pain I am in. I want all who look and see to not be devastated, but to be moved to hope in you!]
But I am poor and needy;
hasten to me, O God!
[I am in desperate need of you!]
You are my help and my deliverer;
O Lord, do not delay!
[I look to you alone for help, so please… help!]
Rain ultimately helps me to glorify God and enjoy him forever.
That's where my happiness should lie. In God. To re-arrange Nic's quote, you could say, "When you put your happiness in the eternal God, then your happiness will only be eternal."
This is why we keep praying when there is no answer. Pain helps me to long for something beyond. It helps me long for rest. Ultimately, that rest will not come this side of heaven. Let our pain push us to God.
"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11
So then let us find happiness in sunshine or rain because we find happiness in God.
Summary
Why keep praying when there is no answer? As we navigate the complexities of life's pains and the unanswered prayers, it's vital to remember the profound truth that our ultimate joy and fulfillment lie in God, not in the temporal circumstances we often fixate on.
The journey through grief, loss, and heartache, as terrible as it is, has the potential to draw us closer to Jesus, whose love and presence provide resilient comfort and hope. Just as Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before Him, he can give us the strength and perseverance we need to endure, recognizing that our present struggles are shaping us for an eternal glory that far outweighs them.
Let us then cling to God's Word, the only words that can really bring life, and seek to find our deepest happiness not in temporal things, but in our unchanging, eternal God. For in Him, our joy and comfort, unlike the fleeting treasures of this world, becomes everlasting.
Let's embrace this journey, trusting that every tear and trial is part of God's grand tapestry, weaving a story of redemption and hope that culminates in our ultimate good and His eternal glory.
Soli Deo Gloria,
Kathy Clum
As a mom who’s suffered the loss of my baby, I know deep heart pain.
I tried to run from God, but he convinced me of his love and comforted my heart with hope and healing in Jesus.
Now, it’s my mission to share this same comfort with others who’ve experienced the pain of child loss.
— Kathy
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