Compound Grief After Child Loss: When Pain Stacks Up
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If you haven’t already listened to or read the previous segments of this series, I recommend starting at the beginning and going in order so you have the full context of what we’re building on. Each piece connects, and we don’t want you to miss the foundation we’ve already laid.
This final segment is about compound grief (also called cumulative grief).
What Is Compound Grief?
Compound grief (or cumulative grief) is when loss stacks on top of loss. It is not just one painful event. It is layers of sorrow that keep coming, sometimes before you have even caught your breath from the last one. It can feel like life keeps falling apart, and you are trying to hold faith with hands that are already exhausted.
y over us.
The apostle Paul explains it this way in 1 Corinthians 15:3–8:
Jesus died for our sins and was buried, proving that He really was dead.
Then He was raised to life on the third day and was seen by many witnesses, proving that death was truly defeated by God Himself.
In simple terms:
Jesus stepped into our broken world, suffered with us, died for us, and rose again so that sin, loss, grief, and death don’t have to have control of our lives.
That truth is what shapes how to share the gospel after child loss.
When Loss Keeps Stacking: Walking Through Compound Grief
Josh
Okay, last segment here. This is about when one loss after another happens and there are layers of pain. How do you handle that?
One person wrote, “My husband and grandson both died. I cry every day. I’m angry. I’m struggling to accept it.” Another person asked, “How do I keep faith when life keeps falling apart?” It is those layers that keep happening.
We have a friend right now going through cancer who also lost his dad, and his mother-in-law passed away. It is layer after layer. So how do you work through that? Where do you find hope in the middle of that?
We gathered a bunch of verses that meet us in those circumstances.
A Practical Help: Stories of People Who Kept the Faith
Kathy
First, something practical. One thing I did was try to find stories of people who went through really hard things and kept the faith.
A great resource is Voice of the Martyrs. Their website is persecution.com. You can get their magazine for free. They send stories regularly. Sometimes they will also send a free book if you sign up.
Hearts of Fire is a powerful book. It will probably make you cry, but it is incredible. It shares stories of women who went through insanely hard things, layers and layers of pain, and God helped them hold fast.
Voice of the Martyrs also has a podcast called VOM radio that is really good. It helped me gain perspective and increased my faith. I would think, If God can help these people, maybe He can help me.
When You Feel Overwhelmed
Kathy
Here are some of the Scriptures that spoke to us.
2 Corinthians 1:8–10 says Paul was “utterly burdened beyond our strength” and he “despaired of life itself.” That was 100% relatable for me.
It is sobering to picture the apostle Paul despairing of life, but he was honest. We can follow his example in honesty, too.
Then he says something important: this happened “to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” Even when everything feels unbearable, he is looking to the God who raises the dead. Pain pushes us somewhere. Pain needs to push us to God.
“Lead Me to the Rock”: Finding Refuge When Your Heart Is Faint
Josh
Psalm 61 says, “When my heart is faint, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” It is a picture of refuge. Where do you go when you feel like there is no hope?
I think of Elisabeth Elliot. After her husband died and she walked through so many hard things, one of her verses was Psalm 91, about dwelling in the shelter of the Most High and God being our refuge.
The Psalms talk constantly about God being our refuge, our strong tower, our safe place.
So where are you living right now? Are you living in God’s refuge, in His shelter, in His stronghold? Or are you venturing out trying to keep life together while it is falling apart?
You have to stay in the refuge. Even when you feel like you cannot, you can call out to God for help. That is what Psalm 61 is. “Lead me to the place where I can trust You. Be my rock.”
“Lord, I Believe. Help My Unbelief.”
Kathy
When life keeps falling apart, I think of that prayer: “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.”
It is like, “I have faith, but everything is fighting against it. Everything feels like it is pushing my faith away.”
Keep going to Him. Keep bringing your pain, your sorrow, your heartache to God. When we cut off communication with God, that is where it gets worse.
Keep reaching out to Him. He will be faithful.
“Take Heart”: Jesus Does Not Pretend This World Is Easy
Josh
John 16 says, “In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world.”
Jesus is realistic. He tells His disciples it will not be easy. Bad things will happen. There will be tribulation. Then He points them to Himself.
He is the Overcomer. So we can overcome by looking to Him for the strength, the energy, everything we need.
God Is Your Strength, and He Is Your Portion
Kathy
Psalm 73:26 has been huge in our lives: “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
A couple weeks before Jack was born, God brought this verse to my mind. I had no idea anything was wrong. I thought I had a healthy pregnancy.
Then I had this panic attack and thought, “What if he dies? I think my baby’s going to die.” I felt sick. I could hardly stand. I was desperate, thinking, “There has to be something I can do to stop this.”
God reminded me of Proverbs 16:9, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” It was like the Holy Spirit said, “You are not in control. I am.”
Then I said, “But God, what if my baby dies? I cannot handle that.”
And it was like the Holy Spirit pressed into my heart: “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart.”
Even if I felt weak, God would be my strength. It’s not my strength, it’s God’s strength.
Months later I realized the verse continues: “my portion forever.” I was not reminded of that part in the panic. But over months and years, God worked that into my life.
Not only is He my strength, but He is my greatest treasure. Not only does He give good gifts, but He is the greatest gift.
There is also a really great Ask Pastor John episode called “Is God a megalomaniac?” I recommend looking that up.
How to Hold On When You Feel Like You Cannot
Josh
As we end, Hebrews 10:23 says, “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”
God is faithful. He is the One who holds us up. So we hold on to Him.
Revelation 21 says He will wipe away every tear, death will be no more, and He is making all things new.
We can hold on because we have this hope: He will remake what has been broken.
Songs and Books That Helped Us Hold Fast
Kathy
That Hebrews verse reminds me of a song: He Will Hold Me Fast. We sang it a lot in the years after Jack died. I felt so weak. I did not think I could hold on to Jesus. That song comforted me because it says, “Though I fear my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast.”
The Revelation verses also remind me of songs like Phil Wickham’s Homesick for Heaven. Since Jack died, I have longed for heaven more than I ever did before.
A good thing to do is learn about the place where your child has gone. One book I recommend is Heaven by Randy Alcorn. It is big, but it is excellent. He answers so many questions and stays grounded in what the Bible says.
A Closing Word for Mothers Living With Cumulative Grief
Kathy
I never thought I would be able to make it this far. And the truth is, I haven’t.
God has done this.
Praise God with me, and thank God for the hope He gives and the measure of healing He gives on this side of heaven. One day He will wipe away every tear. He has collected all those tears because they are precious to Him, and He will not waste them.
He loves you so much. He loves your child so much.
He wants you to see how amazing He is and find comfort in Him. And maybe one day you will be able to say, “Out of the wilderness, into deliverance. Look where I’m standing now,” by God’s grace. Those are lyrics from Phil Wickham’s Look Where I’m Standing Now, and that song means a lot to me because I was in such a desolate place, but God did not leave me there.
Guys, I love you. Thank you so much for reading. We are praying for you.
If you haven’t already, please sign up for our email list. We try to send encouragement regularly.
Soli Deo Gloria. To God alone be the glory.
Kathy Clum
Kathy Clum
Founder of New Mercy Moms
As a mom who has suffered the loss of my son, I know deep heart pain. I tried to run from God, but He convinced me of His love and comforted my heart with hope and healing in Jesus. Now, it is my mission to share this same comfort with other who have experience the pain of child loss. Read my author profile here.
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