Comforting Words for Christians Who Have Lost a Baby: What to Say and What Not to Say
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Tragedy strikes when we least expect it… leaving us feeling lost, overwhelmed, and utterly alone. From natural disasters to senseless acts of violence, the news is filled with stories of heartbreak and despair.
It's hard not to feel discouraged and hopeless when we hear about another shooting or read about a mother who has lost her child.
As someone who has experienced both trauma and loss firsthand, I know all too well the pain that comes with these kinds of tragedies.
But as difficult as it may be, there are ways to find hope and encouragement in the midst of even the darkest moments.
In this post, I want to share some insights and practical tips on how to lift your soul from the depths, and how to bring life to a mama's heart that has felt death.
I hate when I hear on the news about another shooting. And it crushes my soul to read another story of a mama bereaved of her baby.
So…How do we encourage people after a tragedy?
What about when you personally go through something?
What lifts a soul from the depths?
What brings life to a mama's heart that has felt death?
Background: Now I want you to know, I don’t come at this topic lightly. I really feel the weight of it.
I have been in a shooting and it. is. terrifying.
I have lost my baby and it. is. devastating.
When death takes a loved one, it seems like nothing can bring the real hope a hurting heart needs.
Maybe don’t say these things
So many people try to give their best encouragement. (What’s been the best or worst encouragement you received? Comment below.)
Some of it can be kinda helpful and pretty practical. Like…
✅ Just focus on one thing for the day, even if it’s just getting out of bed and washing your face. I actually really needed this advice in the wake of my loss.
When my son was in the NICU, we got encouragement from well-meaning people. Something like “I have been praying for your son Jack and I really believe he will come through. He will be ok! You need to have faith. Don’t be afraid because he will make it.” 💔 But he didn’t make it…
After he passed away and we were hoping for a rainbow baby, some people said things like “I know you’re supposed to be a mom, just have faith. You are already a mom… to Jack in heaven.” Also, “Go get the medical tests, follow the drs advice and everything will be ok. I know you’re supposed to have children.”
🥺 (Please don’t say that.)
Ummm yeah, those things stung at best, or worse 👉 encouraged me to build the foundation of my hope in shifting SAND.
Or my favorite (being sarcastic here🙄) “God will work this out for good. Just continue to love and trust him.”
I know this is true, but it should rarely - if ever- be the first thing said to a grieving mother.
Life-giving words of encouragement
So what’s a bereaved mama to do?
If human words fall short, where do we turn?
If my words can never truly be enough to comfort a hurting friend, what do I say?
I'm here to tell you from experience... Only 1 thing can buoy the sinking soul.
Only 1 thing can bring life to what has tasted death.
✅ God's words
Before you think, “Wait a minute! The Bible can be kinda Pollyanna about pain and suffering, right? A healthy Christian is a happy Christian, right? I mean the Bible says, ‘Rejoice in the Lord always, give thanks always, etc.’ and I can’t do those right now.” Just hear me out.
Maybe you’re thinking, “How can I share that with my friend who is grieving so deeply right now? Does God really meet us in our pain? Can his words truly bring hope and healing?”
If so, how?
Let’s start by seeing that…
God validates the depth of our loss.
When the Messiah is described in Isaiah 53, he's said to be "a man of sorrows, acquainted with the deepest grief."
What does that mean? It means that Jesus doesn’t stand aloof to our pain and suffering. He enters it. 🤯
Jesus doesn’t call us to ignore the pain, deal with the pain, or pull ourselves out of the pain.
He gets down on his knees in the pain with us, bearing the burden.
All throughout the Bible, God says that Jesus took the sin and brokenness of the whole world in his body on the cross…
…and he died.
[Seriously, take a moment to let that sink in.]
And then Jesus strong-armed death and rose again! (Hallelujah!🙌)
What about this story: In the Gospel of John chapter 11, Jesus saw that his friend Lazarus died. And even though Jesus knew what would happen -- he wept.
He wept, my friend.
Death stinks.
Godly people in the Bible suffered great loss, they grieved so. deeply.
Who’s the first person chronologically in the Bible that you think of for someone who suffered greatly and lost everything.
Job. Job lost all his children.
Maybe you too have lost all your children. I am so sorry. What you’ve gone through is incredibly hard.
Think through this with me… What is the first thing God does after Job loses all? After his family, possessions, health, and even his wife’s support were gone?
God in his sovereignty sent his friends who come and weep with him and sit in silence.
Then they try to give encouragement (but they don’t do a very good job at it so God steps in).
Honestly we could do a whole study in Job — it’s soooo good! (comment below if you’d like this!), but I also want to share the story of Noami.
After I lost my son, my counselor and I studied through the book of Ruth together. I now feel like Naomi is a kindred spirit because we responded in such a similar way after loss.
How did Naomi respond to losing her husband and 2 sons?
“God did this. And now the rest of my life will be bitter.”
But God doesn’t leave her here. Through the love of her daughter-in-law Ruth, God transforms Naomi’s view of his sovereignty and goodness.
I encourage you to read the book of Ruth again and look for this:
👇👇👇
How does Naomi’s view of God change throughout the book?
You can see it in what she says and how her faith plays out into actions.
Is death graduation?
You guys, please no. Death is not "graduation," as a sweet friend of mine tried to encourage me with…
it's separation.
It stinks.
And it's not supposed to be this way.
Only when we see that Jesus meets us in our grief, can we start to truly look to Jesus in faith.
So what words can you share to someone grieving?
If you are suffering, where do you turn for comfort?
Consider the words of Scripture that remind us that God meets us in our grief and pain.
Psalm 113:6
Hosea 11:4
Isaiah 41:10
Isaiah 53:3-4
Ruth 1:20-21
Job 1:20-21
Psalm 77
Psalm 55
1 Peter 5:10
Galatians 6:2
Isaiah 43:2
Revelation 21:4
Romans 8:35
I intentionally only put the references for 2 reasons:
You need to read and understand the context
You need to pray through it and ask God to help you understand who he is and how he interacts with your grief or your friend’s grief.
Jesus came down into our mess.
Not to show us how life should be done.
BUT to do a great reversal.
Our mess for his perfection.
Our death-filled life for his life-giving life.
One of my mentors would say this frequently, “All of life is full of trials.”
So many people believe that knowing Jesus means no sorrow. Is that true?
No.
But it is true that knowing Jesus = different sorrow.
We sorrow differently not because we are strong enough to have faith, but because we know Jesus is with us in our grief and in our pain.
And knowing THAT 👆 means gratitude begins to trickle in.
Gratitude to Jesus will eventually bring hope. (Romans 5)
In conclusion, life is messy and full of trials. But as believers, we have a unique hope that comes from knowing Jesus. He didn't come to show us how life should be done, but to do a great reversal in our mess and imperfection. He offers us his perfection and life-giving life in exchange for our death-filled life.
Even though we still experience sorrow and grief, we can find comfort in the fact that Jesus is with us in our pain. And as we cultivate a heart of gratitude towards Him, we will begin to experience the hope that comes from the knowledge of His love and grace. So, let us continue to trust in Him, even when life doesn't make sense.
And if you haven't already, we invite you to join our email list to receive more encouragement and inspiration for your journey of faith.
Soli Deo gloria,
Kathy
What do you think?
Please share in the comments below, I’d love to hear!
If you found this helpful, please share!
As a mom who’s suffered the loss of my baby, I know deep heart pain.
I tried to run from God, but he convinced me of his love and comforted my heart with hope and healing in Jesus.
Now, it’s my mission to share this same comfort with others who’ve experienced the pain of miscarriage and infant loss.
