The Daily Heartache: Surviving the Loss of a Child
Table of Contents Show
If you haven’t already listened or read Part 1 or 2 of this series, I recommend going in order so you have the full context of what we’re building on.
Surviving the Loss of a Child When Nothing Seems to Help
Surviving the loss of a child often feels less like living and more like learning how to keep breathing. In this part of our series, we talk about what helps when nothing seems to help. When every day feels like a struggle. When reminders of your child are everywhere. When you’re exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and you’re just trying to make it through the day.
This segment is about daily survival, gentle coping, and finding strength one step at a time.
When Every Day Feels Like a Struggle
Kathy
We’ve touched on some of this as we’ve answered other questions, but several of you asked things like:
How did you find the right coping mechanisms?
Every day still feels like a struggle. How did you learn to live without your child?
How do you find strength emotionally and physically when reminders of your child are everywhere?
I really relate to these questions.
When it comes to coping, I created a short PDF guide called Grieve Well. In it, I share the top five things that helped me process my grief in a healthier way. You can find it on our website.
One thing I haven’t talked about yet in this series is physical activity.
How the Body Processes Grief
Kathy
Grief isn’t just emotional. Trauma lives in the body too. There’s a book called The Body Keeps the Score that talks about this. When you go through something traumatic, your body holds onto it.
For me, physical movement helped release some of what my body was carrying.
That might look different for different people. Rage rooms aren’t my thing, but a punching bag is. I love martial arts, MMA, and also running.
After Jack passed, I didn’t know if I could do hard things and survive. I read a book about an ultramarathon runner who had been through a lot of trauma, and I thought, maybe if he can do it, maybe I can try.
So I started training for a marathon.
Josh
You ran a marathon.
Kathy
Yes. And while training, I listened to podcasts. I always started with something that set my mind on things above, like a sermon or Ask Pastor John. Then I might listen to something lighter.
There’s also science behind repetitive, bi-lateral movement (source 1, source 2, source 3), like walking or running, helping regulate the nervous system. That steady rhythm can help your body handle stress better.
If running isn’t your thing, even walking can help.
Sleep, Rest, and Letting Your Body Recover
Kathy
Sleep matters too. There’s a lot of research showing how our bodies process stress through sleep.
For me, everything about my life changed after losing our child. I had stopped working to be a mom, and suddenly my whole day-to-day was different.
Other parents may still have children they need to care for, so this won’t look the same for everyone. But for me, I slept a lot. Sometimes ten hours or more, though it wasn’t always uninterrupted.
If you can, getting rest is part of surviving the loss of a child. Your body is doing a lot of unseen work.
When Reminders of Your Child Are Everywhere
Josh
One of the hardest parts is that reminders are everywhere.
Different people handle this differently. For us, before we came home, someone cleared and packed away all the baby things.
Kathy
I didn’t want that to happen, but I think it helped. Everything was already hard. Seeing baby items everywhere would have been even harder.
I thought about Jack constantly anyway. Seeing pregnant women, babies, strollers, all of it. I had been looking forward to doing everything with my child.
Parents who lose older children carry even more memories. The reminders don’t stop.
Josh
We also moved into a new home a couple months after, which helped in a small way. But grief is something you move in and out of.
You need moments where you step into grief intentionally, and moments where you step out so your body and mind can rest.
Kathy
That balance matters. Sometimes your body remembers before your mind does. You wake up heavy and don’t know why, then realize it’s an anniversary or a milestone you forgot about.
Give yourself grace for that.
Creating Gentle Rhythms for Healing
Kathy
Something that helped me was being encouraged to start a garden. Working with my hands. Doing something physical. Seeing fruit from it.
When you lose a child, you’ve poured your love, energy, and hope into someone, expecting to see fruit from that. A garden doesn’t replace a child. That’s not the point.
The point is movement and purpose. Helping your body process loss. Reminding yourself that investing time and care can still produce something good, even now.
Two Common Grief Patterns
Josh
I think people often fall into one of two camps.
Some are constantly at a high intensity of grief and can’t find a break. They may need to schedule in rest.
Others, like me, avoid grief altogether. They don’t go there at all. And they may need help stepping into it.
We tend to swing the pendulum one way or the other.
Ask yourself where you are. And if you need help figuring that out, ask someone you trust to help you think through what you need right now to grieve well.
Let Grief Drive You Toward Jesus
Kathy
I remember sitting on our couch in Salt Lake, looking out our big front window, and seeing a mom walking by with her baby in a stroller.
I was devastated. I thought, That’s supposed to be me.
And I ran to God again with that pain. Asking why. Crying out.
You probably won’t get answers right away. You may never get all of them.
As John Piper often says, there may be ten thousand reasons, and we might be aware of 3 of them.
God Does Not Waste Your Pain
Josh
Scripture reminds us:
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
He’s the one who holds you physically and emotionally. He’s the one who keeps count of your tears.
“My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.”
He doesn’t waste your pain. He steps in and holds you up as you put your trust in Him.
Kathy
When your mind is spiraling and sorrow feels overwhelming, Scripture says, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”
Did I feel perfect peace right away? No.
But over time, as I kept running to Jesus, He brought peace slowly. He helped untangle the mess of thoughts in my head. He helped me trust Him more.
That’s part of surviving the loss of a child. Not fixing the pain, but being held through it.
I know losing a child is so hard. Please know that we are praying for you and all those who come across our site.
Soli Deo Gloria,
Kathy Clum
Kathy Clum
Founder of New Mercy Moms
As a mom who has suffered the loss of my son, I know deep heart pain. I tried to run from God, but He convinced me of His love and comforted my heart with hope and healing in Jesus. Now, it is my mission to share this same comfort with other who have experience the pain of child loss. Read my author profile here.
What do you think?
Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
If you found this helpful, please share with a friend.
