The Importance of Expressing Emotions After Child Loss
Table of Contents Show
Listen to the Podcast
I get it. After losing a child there are so many emotions. It is one of the hardest things any parent will ever go through. If this is you, I am so so sorry.
Maybe you already know the importance of expressing emotions. Maybe not. Expressing emotions is vital to being able to find hope and healing on your unique grief journey. But what does that really mean and how do we do that well.
That’s what I’m here to talk about today.
Everyone’s different in feeling emotions.
If I were to ask you, “did you know that everyone is different in feeling emotions?” You’d probably say, “duh Kathy. I know that.” But if I were to then ask, “do you ever compare how you handle going through a deep hardship with someone else?” what would you say?
Sometimes we can be really inspired and encouraged by comparing our hardships with another. We can see, “Wow I’m really not alone. They got through that tough thing. Maybe God can help me too.”
But sometimes we can get discouraged by comparing our trials and hardships. “How come they handled it all so gracefully? What’s wrong with me??” Or “Why are they still feeling the loss so deeply? What’s wrong with me??”
Stop. Wait. Let’s just lay a foundation here. You are unique and different. God has brought you through some very hard experiences that are very different yet similar to what others have gone through. God has designed you to process events uniquely and express emotions uniquely as well. If you find someone who has gone through something similar, processes events similarly, or expresses emotions similarly; or if you only see people who are different; whether they encourage you or challenge you… They are all gifts. The differences and similarities are all gifts.
Everyone has value, and you can learn from everyone. What might be a healthy way to express emotions for one person may not be healthy for another. And also know that there are seasons for expressing emotions.
There were times along my grief journey after my son passed away where I could not be around people. It was too much for me, and the solitude allowed me to process my emotions better. But as time went on, I then needed to process some emotions with dear friends and sometimes I would dump my pain on complete strangers (sorry for that…).
Here are some ways that our paths in expressing and coping with grief might differ:
Journaling vs. Avoidance of Writing: I found solace in journaling, pouring my heart out on paper. It helped me process my feelings. But I know this might not be the case for you. You might find writing about your loss too painful, and that’s okay. Your way of handling grief may not involve writing, and that's perfectly valid.
Seeking Social Support vs. Needing Solitude: While some lean on friends and family for support, you might find comfort in solitude like I did for certain seasons, taking time alone to reflect and heal. It's important to honor your need for private space if that's what feels right for you.
Physical Expression vs. Physical Withdrawal: Engaging in physical activities like walking, running, and other fitness stuff helped me channel my grief, but you might not feel up to it, and that's perfectly fine. I didn’t all the time either. Listen to your body and your heart; if rest and stillness are what you need at this time, then that's what's best for you.
Artistic Expression vs. Disinterest in Art: I found some free online painting classes through my library called Creativebug. I found it to be a great way to express my emotions without words. But if art doesn't speak to you in your grief, don't feel pressured to pursue it. Your path of healing doesn’t have to be creative in the traditional sense.
Counseling vs. Reluctance for Professional Help: Talking to a counselor was a step I took, but if you're not ready or willing to seek professional help, that's understandable. We all have different ways of navigating our pain, and professional counseling isn't the only path to healing.
Remember, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. We, as mothers who have faced an unimaginable loss, have our unique paths. What matters is that you do what feels right for you. Your feelings are valid, and how you choose to express and deal with them is entirely up to you. I stand with you in your journey, however it may look.
There are a couple things though that I will always recommend to someone grieving:
Please let your pain push you to God
At some point try to talk to a wise biblical counselor who understands child loss
But the point of this first part is this: everyone is different when it comes to feeling and expressing emotions. And that’s okay.
For some of us who grieve, expressing emotions is easier than others. And that’s okay.
Do you know someone whom you’ve never seen cry? Someone who always seems put together. You know they must’ve gone through some tough things but they don’t show it. It might be really hard for them to express their emotions. Is that you? Having a hard time expressing your emotions is totally okay.
Do you know someone who seems to wear their emotions on their sleeve? My husband reminded me the other day of something I told him while we were engaged: I said, “You’re marrying a weeper.” I wasn’t wrong. And little did I know how much I would actually weep. Some people have no problem expressing emotions, but it can get a bit sticky when it comes to expressing emotions in a healthy way.
There are strengths and weaknesses to both being able to freely express emotions and feeling like you can’t. But true emotional strength is built as you learn to communicate your emotions in a way that not only conveys the depth of your pain but also encourages both yourself and others to lean into the healing and hope found in Jesus.
This is worth repeating…
True emotional strength is built as you learn to communicate your emotions in a way that not only conveys the depth of your pain but also encourages both yourself and others to lean into the healing and hope found in Jesus.
The purpose of emotions
So what’s the point? What is the purpose of emotions?
You’ve probably heard this illustration before, but emotions are more like the thermometer not the thermostat. Emotions aren’t the thing that set the temperature of our hearts, they are simply the thing that reveals it. While not always accurate in our broken world, emotions can be a good indicator of the realities of joys and sorrows, goodness and brokenness.
The importance of expressing emotions
The purpose of emotions is intertwined with the importance of expressing emotions.
Imagine viewing the most breathtaking sunset you’ve ever seen – vibrant reds, oranges, and pinks lighting up the evening sky. What would make that moment more complete and fulfilling? Sharing the joy and beauty of it with someone else. But imagine sharing that moment without emotion. Would you actually be communicating well how the sunset is impacting you? Probably not.
But what if your emotions got away from you? You started out deeply moved by the beautiful sunset, but then things went south as thoughts wandered to, “Why don’t I see sunsets like this everyday? What about blind people? It’s not fair that they don’t get to behold such beauty!” And you sit there fuming mad at God for allowing such beauty to go to waste because there are people who don’t get a chance to experience it. Empathy can be very helpful, but in this scenario emotions weren’t governed by the truth that God is allowing you to experience an incredible sunset with a friend or loved one, and you might be missing out on enjoying the good gift God has for you right there.
In both cases, whether emotions are limited or limitless, communication was not effective or helpful.
Now obviously, the importance of expressing emotions is multifaceted, but let’s look at it specifically from the perspective of child loss.
Expressing emotions can help us communicate the reality of the pain. They can help others see that the pain is really deep because the loss is really that bad.
Emotions are like a release valve. They help release some of the pressure that’s building up inside. If it’s bottled up, eventually it will explode.
Expressing our emotions can help others know they are not alone. Even if your experience looks different, others can see that if God is helping you in your deep pain then maybe they can have hope that God will help them too.
Emotions are needed to help you process through the grief of child loss. It can validate the depth of your loss. Expressing them is an audible, tangible way to show what can’t be seen.
Expressing emotions gives you the opportunity to see where your heart is really at. Do you truly trust God even though it’s deeply hard? Emotions like anger, jealousy, and bitterness are revealing and helpful to recognize.
Expressing emotions gives you the opportunity to bring your pain to God. God who created all emotions called himself the Man of Sorrows (an emotion) who is well acquainted with grief (another emotion), Jesus wept (He expressed emotions) over the death of his friend, and he wants you to cast your cares (communicate your emotions and burdens) to Him because He deeply cares for you.
Expressing emotions gives Truth the opportunity to penetrate deeper into the broken soil of our hearts. If we are bringing our emotions and pain to God, and diving into the Bible because our thirsty death-ridden souls are dying for the abundant Water of Life, then we will find something amazing – a foundation of Truth in our hearts that is unshakeable. Just read Psalm 119 to see the impact God’s Word can have on a person.
I’m just going to be honest here. Our culture as a whole is pretty terrible at expressing emotions in a healthy way, if at all. Especially in my local culture here in Utah which is ironically similar to the church culture I grew up in near D.C. Everything looks fine on the outside, but then the statistics show otherwise. Drugs, alcohol, and suicide rates have all gone up. The mind and body need to cope and process somehow. And if God does not help us turn to him in our pain and brokenness, then every single one of us will end up overwhelmed by despair and incapacitated to reach out for help.
We need God. We need God’s help every day, especially after child loss. We need God to help us to learn how to express emotions.
How to express emotions in a healthy way.
This post would be incomplete if we didn’t talk about healthy ways to express emotions.
Talking About Your Feelings: Openly discussing your emotions with a trusted friend, family member, biblical counselor, or therapist can provide relief and understanding. It allows you to process your grief verbally and receive support.
Writing or Journaling: For some, writing down thoughts and feelings can be therapeutic. It helps to organize and process emotions, and can be a private way to express deep grief and memories.
Creative Expression: Engaging in creative activities like painting, drawing, music, or crafting can offer an outlet for expressing emotions non-verbally. It can be particularly helpful if you find it hard to articulate your feelings in words. I don’t consider myself an artist, but I found a lot of healing in Scripture art and sketching meaningful Bible passages. I would share them with my husband and explain what the different elements meant or why I did certain things, and it was a way to communicate what I was going through.
Memorializing Your Child: Creating a memorial that honors your child’s memory can be a meaningful way to express love and grief. This might include planting a garden, setting up a memorial space in your home, or participating in events that commemorate your child.
Physical Activity: Physical exercise, like walking, martial arts, or running, can help manage stress and anxiety that often accompany grief. It also releases endorphins, which can improve mood. About a year after my baby passed away, I read a book that inspired me to sign up for my first marathon. I hadn’t yet run passed 6 miles, but I wanted to see if my body could go through something hard and come out okay. Because I went through child birth and child loss and did not feel okay. There was so much healing that God brought while training for my first marathon. Exercise is a gift from God and can be a healthy way to express emotions after child loss.
Joining a Support Group: Being part of a group of people who have experienced similar losses can be incredibly validating and comforting. Sharing your experience and hearing others' stories can help you feel less alone in your grief. In person groups are a great idea if they are available, but we also have a free Facebook group for just this purpose.
Allowing Yourself to Feel: Sometimes, the healthiest way to express emotion is simply to allow yourself to feel whatever comes, whether it’s sadness, anger, guilt, or even moments of joy or relief, without judgment.
Seeking Professional Help: Consulting with a therapist or biblical counselor, especially one who specializes in grief and bereavement, can provide a safe space to express and work through complex emotions.
Lean into God: This is for everyone. Our pain will push us somewhere, our pain needs to push us to God. Read the Bible, pray Scripture, and share what He’s doing in you with others.
Participating in Community Activities: Engaging in community service or activities can help channel your emotions into meaningful action, possibly helping others while processing your own grief.
Music and Art Therapy: These therapies can provide structured and guided ways to express emotions through creative mediums, often led by professionals trained in grief counseling.
Crying and Showing Emotion: Allowing yourself to cry and physically express your grief is natural and necessary. It's a direct and honest expression of your profound loss.
A personal sketch of Psalm 23. I’m not an artist, but everything in this sketch has meaning to me.
Emotional Homework
So where do we go from here? You might be like, “I get it. Emotions are important. Expressing them is important. But how do I do that?”
What
I want you to scroll back up a bit and re-read through healthy ways to express emotions and pick 1 way you can implement this week.
When
Then talk to your spouse, your family, whoever you need to and say something like, “Hey, I really need to process through my grief more. I need an hour [or however long] to do this. Can you help me make this happen?”
Consider even making this a regular thing. Maybe daily you set aside time to journal. Maybe weekly you set aside time for a long run. Recruiting support from your family or friends can help them feel like giving space and grace to grieve is actually them being helpful.
How
Now it’s time to do it. Put it on your phone calendar with an alarm. Don’t forget. Don’t get too busy. Don’t devalue it. Unless you want to stay stuck or bottle it up for a future explosion. (Which I hope is not the case.)
When you’ve done your homework, report back here and comment below and let us know how it went. Or don’t. That’s totally fine too. 😉
Summary
I hope this post on the importance of expressing emotions following the loss of a child was helpful. It's essential to recognize that each of our emotional journeys is deeply individual and profoundly significant.
Our emotions can be honest reflections of our inner world, yet can also be affected by the brokenness in and around us. They capture the immense love we hold and the magnitude of our loss. By giving voice to these emotions, whether it be through crying, speaking, creating, or even in moments of quiet reflection, we honor our journey and acknowledge the depth of our loss.
This process is often solitary, but it's important to remember that you are not walking this path alone. There is strength in our shared stories, There is strength in knowing that Jesus who calls himself the Man of sorrows — who weeps with us — He wants to comfort us, and we can find love and grace and hope and healing in him and his presence. And dare I say we can find joy again, over time, as we spend more time with Jesus.
So my prayer is that you would find peace and solace in expressing your emotions, knowing that each expression is a step toward healing
Soli Deo Gloria,
Kathy Clum
As a mom who’s suffered the loss of my baby, I know deep heart pain.
I tried to run from God, but he convinced me of his love and comforted my heart with hope and healing in Jesus.
Now, it’s my mission to share this same comfort with others who’ve experienced the pain of child loss.
— Kathy
What do you think?
Please share in the comments below, I’d love to hear!
If you found this helpful, please share!
