Marriage After Losing a Child: Grieving Differently Together
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If you haven’t already listened or read Part 1 or 2 of this series, I recommend going in order so you have the full context of what we’re building on.
Kathy: Segment 3 is all about marriage after losing a child, and the ways grief can pull a couple in different directions. We’ve gotten these questions repeatedly: “We grieve separately after our daughter’s death. Did you and your husband experience that?” and “How did God bring healing in your marriage?” and “How can I save my marriage through this grief?”
I also want to acknowledge something sobering: I think the stat is that just over 50% of marriages end in divorce after child loss. I don’t share that to discourage you, but to empower you to say, “Okay, then I’m going to fight for this. I’m going to step up, give a lot of grace, and work through this.” By God’s grace, we want a marriage that weathers this terrible storm and comes out stronger.
Marriage After Losing a Child: The Battle No One Trains You For
Josh: Yeah, because it’s a battle. You’re really going into a battle here, and you have to view it that way. You can’t just coast through this season.
One of the biggest issues is grieving separately.
For me, I didn’t really want to talk about it. I think that can be a natural thing for guys. Not for every guy, but for me, it was: “Okay, I’m going to work.” I wanted to get my mind off it and not let myself go there.
That didn’t mean I never went there. But I talked about it very little in the beginning. And honestly, that was unhealthy for me.
Kathy spent the first five years really unpacking it over and over again. I didn’t. I’m still processing through things today. It took me a long time to work through things she worked through sooner because she was willing to unpack it earlier.
So we grieved very differently. I would not work through it, and she would work through it all the time.
When you’re on two sides of the spectrum, it can be hard to come together. It takes a lot of grace.
I had to set aside my desire not to talk about it so that you could talk about it, and vice versa.
“Grieve Differently, Give Grace”
Kathy: I had to find people I could talk to, and then give to God your healing journey.
My counselor told me we were going to grieve differently, and to give each other grace for that. She understood marriage after losing a child. I’m so thankful for that advice because it prepared me.
In the beginning we were both crying a lot, at least for our type of loss. But I also want to acknowledge that some losses are less visible to others. With miscarriage, for example, beyond you and your spouse, other people may not know. Sometimes it’s just the two of you carrying it.
You had to go back to work after a week. You were also in the middle of getting your degree.
Josh: I kind of wanted to.
Create Space: A Practical Step Toward Healing
Josh: This brings up a key point for marriage after losing a child: how do you bring healing, and how do you save your marriage?
One key practical tip is to create space.
One thing I didn’t do well, and I regret it, was not creating space. We had just moved to Salt Lake. We were involved in church planting. Almost every night of the week was booked. I had a master’s degree.
I think that did not help. It hurt our marriage.
A key ingredient is time. You need to create space in order to have time.
That means time day to day, but also time over months and years. You never move past it, but you do need space to keep going and to see the healing you need.
If you stuff it and fill your schedule, it’s going to be difficult to see healing in your marriage.
If Your Spouse Won’t Talk About It: What Helped Us
Kathy: For me, I had to talk about it to process. Josh was different.
So I needed someone else too: a counselor. That was really helpful.
If your spouse can’t talk through it, you may need:
a counselor
a close friend who can listen and help you think on truth
someone who can help you process when your spouse cannot
At the same time, you can communicate clearly with your spouse:
“I need to talk about this with you. I feel really hurt and ignored when you aren’t able to talk about this, or you change the subject. I need to talk about this with you.”
One thing that can help is setting a short time limit:
“Can we set aside 10–15 minutes?”
“Can we set a timer?”
That time limit can help them realize it won’t drag on forever. They don’t have to go deep into emotions for hours, but they can show up for a short window.
Don’t Spring It on Them
Josh: If one of the spouses can’t unpack two hours of sorrow, especially early on, don’t expect a response right away.
If you come and say, “Hey, I want to talk about this,” give them time to think about it.
Ask: “Can we do it for 15 minutes?”
If the other person feels forced to say yes, they might say no because they don’t even want to go there.
Kathy: You could even schedule it. “Hey, in a couple days, can we talk?” That gives them time to prepare.
Josh: Don’t spring it on them. You don’t know where they’re at. They probably need a little bit to say, “Okay, I can do 15 minutes.”
Kathy: And if it goes longer and they feel comfortable, great. Add another 10 or 15. But respect their need to get through the day.
And also know this: grief will look different for different people. It really is okay, even though it’s extremely hard.
Love Gets Tested in Grief
Josh: Love is really tested in these seasons.
Love is patient. Love is kind. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love isn’t just a lightweight feeling when we first meet someone. It’s something that can carry the weight of loss, and it’s not easy.
Ephesians 4 calls us to humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with one another in love.
There’s this idea of nearness: the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. He’s near.
And we can be near too. We can weep with our spouse. That might not be easy, but love is willing to do that for the other person.
“Did You Feel Like You Had to Be Strong for Me?”
Kathy: Over the years, Josh, I almost wonder if you’ve cried more the last five years than the first five years.
I wondered if you felt like you had to be strong for me because I was so broken.
Sometimes we think we have to hold it together for the other person, but the Bible says to weep with those who weep. Sometimes crying together is the most loving thing we can do.
Josh: There were times I felt that way [that I had to be strong], but mostly I just didn’t want to go there [into the dark pain of deep sadness]. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sad. I just wouldn’t let myself feel it.
When trauma hits, many of us go into survival mode. Recognizing that tendency and turning to the Lord in the pain matters.
A Gentle Word of Hope for Your Marriage
If your marriage after child loss feels strained, that doesn’t mean it’s broken beyond repair. It means you’re grieving.
Give each other grace.
Create space.
Ask for help.
Speak honestly, but gently.
And remember that God is near to the brokenhearted, including broken marriages.
You are not alone in this.
Soli Deo Gloria,
Kathy Clum
Kathy Clum
Founder of New Mercy Moms
As a mom who has suffered the loss of my son, I know deep heart pain. I tried to run from God, but He convinced me of His love and comforted my heart with hope and healing in Jesus. Now, it is my mission to share this same comfort with other who have experience the pain of child loss. Read my author profile here.
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