“Is God Fair?” Answering Hard Questions After Child Loss
Table of Contents Show
If you haven’t already listened to or read the previous segments of this series, I recommend starting at the beginning and going in order so you have the full context of what we’re building on.
When Life Feels Unfair: Holding On When the Questions Won’t Let Go
As we continue this series, we want to talk about one of the most painful questions grieving parents wrestle with, often silently: Is God fair? After the loss of a child, it can feel impossible to reconcile God’s goodness with what you’ve lived through. In this segment, we talk honestly about jealousy, unanswered questions, and how to keep holding on to God when you’re questioning God’s fairness.
Is God Fair When Others Get What You Lost?
Josh
Section five is about when life feels unfair and how we hold on.
Some of the questions you asked were:
How do you process seeing people who don’t love God have children while yours died?
How do you hold on to God’s goodness when life feels unfair?
Watching Others Live the Life You Longed For
Kathy
I really struggled with this.
Before Jack died, we were part of a birth class. About a year later, there was a reunion. Looking back, I don’t know why we went. It was incredibly hard.
Josh
It was painful. Everyone had their baby.
Kathy
Even now, I’m getting tears in my eyes thinking about it.
We had spent weeks together in that class, walking through pregnancy side by side. And then we showed up to this gathering, and everyone had their child.
Some asked if I wanted to hold their baby. I didn’t want to, but I did anyway.
We didn’t bring our baby. We brought a photo book with pictures of Jack. A few of those people had even come to his funeral.
It was overwhelming. And it stirred up this deep question in me: Why them and not us?
That’s where the thought creeps in so quietly: God is not fair.
When Scripture Meets Jealousy and Grief
Kathy
I wrestled with God a lot about this. One day I was reading Psalm 17, verses 13–15.
The psalmist talks about “men of the world whose portion is in this life.”* People whose treasure is found here and now. It says they are satisfied with children and leave their abundance to their infants.
That was hard to read because it felt true. Children are a blessing. People who don’t love God will have them. And that’s okay and normal.
(*We want to be clear about something here.
When we reference Scripture that talks about “the wicked” or “men of the world,” we are not saying that the friends from our birth class were wicked people. Not at all. They were all kind, loving, and generous toward us, and some even attended Jack’s funeral.
The pain we’re describing isn’t about judging others. It’s about the ache of watching others receive something deeply good while you’re grieving its absence. Scripture helped us name that tension honestly and then gently redirected our hearts back to where true satisfaction is found.)
But then the psalmist contrasts that with something deeper. He says:
“As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness. When I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.”
That stopped me.
He’s saying, God, You are my real treasure.
We want to be satisfied with what we can see, touch, and hold right now. We want children. We want the life we imagined. But even children, as precious as they are, cannot ultimately satisfy.
True satisfaction can only be found in knowing Jesus and being known by Him.
“Is God Fair?” and the Question of What Truly Satisfies
Josh
There’s a God-shaped space in every human heart that only He was meant to fill. We try to fill it with many things. Children are one of them.
God created the desire for children, and that desire is good. Just like He created hunger for food. But Jesus says, “I am the bread of life.”
He is the greater fulfillment.
Psalm 73 says something very similar. That verse is actually on Jack’s tombstone:
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
That whole psalm is about wrestling with envy. The psalmist almost stumbles when he sees how well the wicked seem to be doing. But by the end, he says, “It is good for me to be near God. I have made the Lord my refuge.”*
Seeing God as your greatest treasure doesn’t devalue children. It actually helps you see how precious they are, without asking them to carry the weight only God can bear.
Naming the Lies That Grow When Life Feels Unfair
Kathy
This passage became part of what I called my “truth statements.” I struggled a lot with jealousy.
It can help to write down:
What is the sentence running through your head?
What fear or belief is underneath it?
What does God say that speaks directly to that thought?
Then write a short truth you can return to when the lie comes back, especially when you wonder if God is fair.
Is God really good?
Josh
Another question you asked was how to hold on to God’s goodness when life feels unfair.
Fairness, Grace, and a Holy God
Kathy
I don’t actually want God to be fair.
If He were truly fair, none of us would stand. Mercy isn’t fair. Grace isn’t fair. And we desperately need both.
When we see how holy God is, we realize how far we fall short. Why would He show mercy to any of us? And yet He does.
I remember thinking, I did everything right. I followed You. And You took our baby. That’s not fair.
But then I think of the man born blind in John 9. Jesus says it wasn’t because of his sin or his parents’ sin, but so that the works of God might be displayed.
When we fixate on fairness, we’re often staring at our circumstances instead of the God who holds them.
God may not act in ways that feel fair to us, but He is always just. And He is always loving.
Turning to the One Who Is Enough
Josh
The invitation, even here, is to find God as your greatest treasure. Not people. Not the life you hoped for. Not even the good gifts you’ve lost.
Turn to Jesus. He is the only One who can hold this weight.
TLDR: Holding On When the Questions Don’t Go Away
If you’ve found yourself asking, Is God fair? you’re not alone. These questions often rise not from rebellion, but from heartbreak. From loving deeply. From losing something that mattered more than words can express.
Scripture doesn’t rush us past these questions. It meets us in them. It names the ache of comparison, the sting of injustice, and the longing for something that feels just out of reach. And then, slowly, it lifts our eyes.
Not to easy answers.
Not to explanations that erase pain.
But to a Person.
God invites us to bring our jealousy, our confusion, and even our anger to Him. He does not ask us to pretend life feels fair. He asks us to draw near, even when we don’t understand. Even when holding on feels hard.
If you’re still wrestling, still grieving, still asking God why, know this: you are not failing your faith. You are living it. Just like the Psalmist. And God is near to you here.
As we continue this series, our prayer is that these conversations would help you feel less alone, more understood, and gently reminded that even when life feels deeply unfair, Jesus has not left you.
Soli Deo Gloria,
Kathy Clum
Kathy Clum
Founder of New Mercy Moms
As a mom who has suffered the loss of my son, I know deep heart pain. I tried to run from God, but He convinced me of His love and comforted my heart with hope and healing in Jesus. Now, it is my mission to share this same comfort with other who have experience the pain of child loss. Read my author profile here.
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