First Birthday After Death of Child: 18 Ways To Remember
Table of Contents Show
First Birthday After Death of Child
It’s so hard.
Facing the first birthday after the death of a child is something no parent imagines they’ll have to experience.
I knew the first birthday and the first anniversary of my baby’s death were going to be really hard. So I really prepped for it. I was fortunate to have a sea of support. Lots of people were praying for our family. My parents sent flowers. I pulled back from responsibilities so I could have space to remember and grieve. I am really thankful for the support we had during that time.
I actually found years 2 and 3 to be even harder because the day crept up on me and then I was overwhelmed by the grief. Now I try to plan ahead and create space for grieving.
Here are some ideas of what our family does to remember and celebrate the gift of our baby’s life.
We make a special dessert.
I like to have non traditional traditions. Sometimes we make cake, but sometimes brownies, cookies, or another dessert.
Here are some of our favorites:
Brookie - Brownie Cookie
Chocolate cupcakes (these turn out amazing every time!)
We send up balloon letters.
Each person in our family writes and/or draws a letter to our baby Jack and to Jesus on a balloon. I typically tell my baby the highlights of the year and how much I miss him. To Jesus, I thank him for taking care of our baby and for carrying us in our pain. I write the real prayers of my heart. We take pictures of what we wrote, not for the world, but just for us, to hold onto and remember. We then release the balloons up to heaven and watch them till they disappear in the sky.
I look at our picture book.
After our loss, my mom created a book with pictures of my pregnancy and the 2 short weeks we had our baby. They are very difficult pictures, but it also has our “thankful lists” that my husband and I shared at our son's funeral about how God sustained and provided. I would sink in sorrow were it not for Jesus buoying my heart in the storm. I know I will grieve and grieve deeply. Sometimes I can’t get through the whole book because there’s not enough time or mental space to remember for one reason or another. That’s okay. They are there for when I'm ready.
We talk about our baby with our kids.
Our kids know their big brother passed away. They know that it’s really hard for us. But they also know that Jesus has carried us. I share some pictures and talk about how cute he was. Because my kids are so little, I don’t share some of the darker details yet. I know I can’t shield my children from all pain, so I want them to know the Jesus who meets us in our pain. I want them to see how while mommy is broken, turning to Jesus in my brokenness actually makes a difference. I want them to see that I can have an abiding joy in my sorrow - that I’ll see Jesus and my baby in heaven one day.
My living children are at the age where they are learning that life is actually precious. People aren’t simply replaceable like a broken toy is. I don’t want my children to be traumatized by the fact that their big brother died and mommy still grieves deeply over it. That’s why we emphasize Jesus so much. But I imagine there will be some kind of lasting effect as they realize the enduring impact of one life.
We read some Bible stories.
There are 2 Bible stories that have really sustained me and given me hope both in the wake of our loss and in the years since: the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead and the story of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Before I had more children, I’d have more time to listen to sermons on one of these things.
Here are a few of my favorites.
This Illness Is For The Glory Of God by John Piper (one of my all-time faves. I’ve listened to it several times)
Now that I have more children, we will read some children’s books about these stories or read from the Bible. We talk about how mommy and daddy can find hope and healing in Jesus, even in the midst of deep grief, pain, and brokenness. We talk about how Jesus’ power to rise from the dead applies to our children as well.
I write in my journal and read past entries.
Okay, so this is something I do nightly anyway. But keeping a journal has ended up being a record of God’s faithfulness in my broken life. I’ve been keeping a journal since 2011… which is crazy to think about. But it’s so fun to look back and see what I wrote. I mostly use and love the 5-year one line a day journals (affiliate link) because it only takes a few minutes every night to jot something down.
After we lost our son, I was so depressed and every entry could’ve easily only focused on my pain. While I didn’t shy away from recording the deep heart pain I suffered, I know God didn’t want that to be my only focus. So I challenged myself for the year after my son died to write down at least one thing I was thankful for for the day, no matter how small. I think this idea came because a dear friend who had suffered child loss the same year as me had given me this book. (affiliate link)
I wrote thank you notes.
I am so grateful for the people who were the hands and feet of Jesus when we lost our son. I was plunged into such deep depression and despair, and one of the biggest ways I was supported was through friends and family who checked in on me, counseled me, and listened to the deep grief of my mama heart. I wrote thank you notes to these special family and friends reminding them of their love in action, thanking God for them, and humbly acknowledging that I may not be here if it weren’t for God’s love shown through them.
We donated in memory of our son.
As a way to say thank you to an organization whose ministry really impacted me after we lost our son, we donated to Voice Of The Martyrs to help send Bibles to Christians in captive nations.
We did this for 2 reasons:
The stories they share in their free magazine and podcast (VOM Radio) really helped me see how God meets us in our pain and suffering and gives us hope. I often felt like what these persecuted Christians went through was worse than what I experienced, and yet it blew my mind that they still loved and followed Jesus. I thought, “If Jesus can help them, then maybe he can help me too.” And it helped me lean more into Jesus and God’s Word.
Because I was impacted by the Bible, I felt compelled to share that with others. VOM has a way to donate that directly sends Bibles to Christians in restricted nations. I love that and wanted to support it in memory of my son and in thankfulness for God sustaining me since.
We visited our son’s grave and prayed.
We have three traditions when visiting our son’s grave:
Pop off flowers from their stems and place them around the gravestone
Get a picture of our feet standing around the stone
Pray and thank God for his sustaining grace
That first birthday after the death of our child meant we prayed through tears and sobbing. God did give us something to be thankful for though, even in the midst of such deep pain. Jesus resurrected, conquering death, and He was with us giving us hope when all we felt was death.
If you don’t have a burial site for your baby, some cemeteries have a memorial site for pregnancy and infant loss where parents can leave flowers and things in memory of their baby.
Some other ideas of things you can do.
Memory Garden: Create a small garden or plant a tree in your backyard in memory of your child. Every time it blooms or grows, it will be a living testament to your child's memory.
Candle Lighting: Light a candle and let it burn throughout the day. This can symbolize the light your child brought into your life.
Memory Box: Create a memory box where you and other family members can place items, notes, or drawings that remind you of your child. Every year, you can revisit the box and remember those special moments.
Art: Paint, craft, or draw something that represents your child. This could be a joint activity with other family members.
Music: Compile or create a playlist of songs that remind you of your child or bring comfort. Play it throughout the day or during a quiet reflection time.
Star Naming: Consider naming a star after your child. Each time you look up to the night sky, you can remember how they’re with Jesus which is (and I don’t say this lightly) the most wonderful place to be.
Wearable Memorial: Wear a piece of jewelry or an accessory that reminds you of your child. This could be something you had made or something they liked or wore.
Memory Quilt: If you have baby clothes or blankets, consider turning them into a memory quilt or pillow. This can be a comforting keepsake.
Community Support: Participate in or organize a support group meet-up for parents who've experienced child loss. Sharing and hearing others' stories can be cathartic.
If you're facing that heart-wrenching first birthday after losing a child, or any that follow, please know you're not alone in this journey. While our experiences with grief may vary, the bond of love, memory, and faith connects us all. My family and I have found certain ways to cherish the memories of our beloved baby, and I hope sharing these might bring you a touch of solace or spark your own meaningful traditions.
To every parent navigating this loss, I send a heartfelt hug. Amidst the tears and heartache, remember that your child will never be forgotten and that Jesus is with you in your pain.
Soli Deo Gloria,
Kathy
What do you think?
Please share in the comments below, I’d love to hear!
If you found this helpful, please share!
As a mom who’s suffered the loss of my baby, I know deep heart pain.
I tried to run from God, but he convinced me of his love and comforted my heart with hope and healing in Jesus.
Now, it’s my mission to share this same comfort with others who’ve experienced the pain of miscarriage and infant loss.
