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Grief During The Holidays

Hello and welcome to New Mercy Moms: Your Grief and Hope podcast. I'm your host Kathy, and I am so thankful that you are here. I am so sorry that you've lost a child. I know it's so hard. I've been there, but I want you to know two things: You are not alone, and Jesus wants to meet you in your pain.

Hi and welcome to this episode. I am so thankful that you're tuning in today. Now, I imagine if you clicked on this episode, it's because you're near a holiday of some sort or an anniversary.

And oh man, I know there can be highs and lows that you might be processing through for the holidays. It’s not easy to process through grief during the holidays. So I want you to know that this episode is coming from a place of empathy, but not just empathy, also understanding.

I mean, just a few short weeks after we lost our son, I found myself flying on an airplane, going to see family for Christmas. And, oh, my word, I was so messed up. I would have rather spent it alone with my husband sitting in our sad little apartment with toys that were unused all around us. Even though that would have been extremely hard.

But I didn't want to try to be okay. I didn't want to feel like I had to put on some kind of show so that other people could have a happy holiday. I wanted to feel the loss deeply because it was – I mean – it is such a deep loss. It's been years now and the holidays are still not easy. They're not easy.

But I've been thinking back on how I learned to survive the holidays with grief. I wanted to share some of those reflections.

Okay, now just starting out, I want you to know I 100% realize and you need to as well that there are all sorts of ways to grieve and there are as many ways to grieve as there are people who experience it. Okay. And even more because everybody agrees differently at different times, too.

woman on couch surviving the holidays with grief.

Give yourself space and grace to grieve during the holidays

This first reflection is to give yourself space and grace to grieve during the holidays. Now, you need to realize that it's okay for things to not be like they used to or for them to not feel normal because someone really is missing. And you need to have that space and grace to grieve. The truth is, I came to this realization recently. I recognized that I was actually looking for something or someone to fill the spot of my missing baby Jack. But no one could do that. And please know that no one can replace your child either, whether lost inside the womb or out of the womb. They have irreplaceable value. Their life is so precious and they may always feel like someone is missing from your family.

I thank God that it won't always be that way, though. When we look at the big picture of life, I mean, really big picture, I'm thinking like the grand scheme of the whole universe, right? We know that God is going to redeem what was broken and what was lost will be found, all those things. Right? And when we read in Revelation and Isaiah, we learned about the new heaven and earth and how those who are covered by the grace of Christ, those who are covered by his blood, will be renewed.

And I'm not trying to have this Pollyanna, “Oh, things are bad, but don't worry, like it'll get better.” No, I feel the depth of this loss deeply, but know that the grace of God is deeper than the grave and the redemption power that He has goes deeper than the deepest pain you feel, and that can give you hope in the midst of your pain.

Not only do we need space and grace to grieve, and I say this because honestly, I need to tell myself to give myself space and grace. Like it's so easy to get busy and to not make time to do this. And I totally get it. There are times where we need to hold it together for some reason or another, but we can't do that forever. We're not God. We are human, we're finite. And God wants us to process these things at some point. So we need to give ourselves space and grace to grieve now.

Give space and grace to let others be happy

And not only that. The second thought I had was we need to give space and grace to let others be happy as well. I'm just going to be honest, this was really hard for me when I was with my family. That first Christmas, I struggled to see anybody who was a micro point, just a smidge above sad. I was so sad and I thought everyone else should be too. Maybe that seems really immature or overbearing or whatever. Okay, that's just where I was. I'm just being honest.

If you need to excuse yourself, excuse yourself. If you need to write a letter or a text or whatever in an effort to communicate that you still feel so broken and just can't handle it or and that you could use prayer. Giving others something that they can do for you can help them feel like they can help. Right? And maybe if you're wondering, “I wonder if they're judging me or they're having a hard time, like, why can't she just come and be with the family even though she's sad,” then it might help them. Giving them something to do, might help them feel less judgy and more like giving you space is actually helping. Hopefully that makes sense.

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Bible based prayers for Bereaved parents

You don't have to act happy to have hope

Number three, realize you don't have to act happy to have hope.

Maybe it was the immaturity of my faith growing up or the lack of seeing people grieve openly in the Christian circle I grew up in. But I literally thought I had to always be happy or look happy to please God and make following Jesus seem attractive to others. But that's denying a few hard facts.

Number one, the fact that life is stinkin’ hard and is super broken. If you live long enough, you will see and experience terrible things.
And number two, that Jesus enters, endure pain and brokenness to give us hope in the midst of it.

He's not asking us to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps so that He can be pleased with us, or somehow we can make following Jesus feel great. “Follow Jesus and you'll get blessings!” Right? No. Like it is a blessing. But don't get me wrong, there's brokenness in this world and Jesus will reverse it. It doesn't make us immune to it and know that even Jesus wept.

Think about the story of Lazarus in John chapter 11. I highly recommend going and checking that out when you're done with this podcast. It is so good. Keep a journal of your thoughts as you read through it. It's one of my favorite passages I've read since I lost my son.

Jesus was there, grieving with Mary and Martha over their brother. He listened to them. He spoke with them. And he gently gave them hope. And what was the hope? He said, Your brother will live again. Your brother will rise again. But he also said, I am the resurrection and the life. So they had hope that their brother would rise again and ultimately had hope in Jesus.

One key difference between this story and our own is that there will most likely be more time between the death of our beloved child and the resurrection of them, compared with the death and resurrection of Lazarus. Oh, and one more thing. Lazarus died again. But once we all experience the resurrection of those in Jesus, we will never die again. All that to say, you don't have to act happy to have hope.

Sad mom in bed coping with grief after child loss.

What Hope In Jesus Might Look Like While Grieving

One of the things I want to share, too, is what hoping Jesus might look like while grieving. I think Mary and Martha actually were really good examples of this. They were grieving hard over the loss of their brother. But here we see them speak truth, even though it was hard. When you see the interaction between Mary and Martha and Jesus, Jesus asks Martha in the beginning,”Do you believe this? Do you believe I am the resurrection and the life?”

And she says, “Yes, I believe that you are the Messiah.” And, you know, she could have just simply kept it to “Yes.” But she spoke truth, and maybe it was an effort to get that out. But it showed faith. It showed hope in the midst of grief.

So I hesitate to say anything like you can have hope that gets you out of grief, because I don't think that's it. I think you can have hope and grief at the same time.

And then I want to show how another way that hope might look like while grieving is to sing through the pain. And I say this knowing full-well that singing is hard.

Before I lost my son, I would always have a song in my head. I'd always have something that I could sing. After losing my son, it suddenly stopped. I could not sing. I didn't want to sing. The idea made me want to throw up. Okay. It was hard. And it took years for me to be able to sing in church without weeping. And it took years for me to sing without being cynical about every word I spoke. But there is something about singing truth. Even if your heart doesn't feel it just yet.

No, you're not being hypocritical. I mean, I guess you could be if you're trying to make other people believe that you believe. But the point is actually that speaking and singing truth to ourselves, even if we're struggling to believe it, can help put that faith back into our lives.

Quick example. So many times we hear lies. We hear fear in our head and we start to believe it. How many more times do we need to repeat truth in our head and in our hearts before we start to believe it? It's natural for us to believe things that are broken. And it's a supernatural work of God for us to believe the truth. So let's repeat this. Don't feel like a hypocrite. Repeat it until you believe it. You know, it's truth if it’s from the Bible. So let's repeat it.

Another way that hope might look in your life while grieving is to share your story with others. When Martha first talked to Jesus, she then ran and told Mary that she needed to talk with Jesus. And that can be us as well. Sometimes we think, hey, you know, we have imposter syndrome. We say, “Oh, I can't do this” or whatever, but really we need to share our story.

Even if it's incomplete. My story is incomplete. God still has a whole lot to work on me. And that is for sure. I'm nowhere near where I should be. But the point is, is that I am where I am by the grace of God, and I can share that grace and that comfort that God's given me. And it's not that my trial is the same as the next person's necessarily, but we have the same Comforter, and that is who I am sharing. So that's another way that hope might evidence itself while grieving.

Heart broken bereaved mom looking out of window.

Remember the original purpose of Christmas

Then remember the original purpose of Christmas. It's not to get gifts. It's to remember the greatest gift of Jesus.

I think of the 400 years of silence in between the last prophecy of the coming Messiah in the Old Testament and the actual coming of the Messiah in the New Testament.

That darkness, it longed for light. That brokenness longed for mending. That loneliness, longed for relationship. The raw wounds longed for healing. And God promised all those things when He promised His Son Jesus. When His promised One came, so came the fulfillment of those promises. Some we haven't experienced yet but in part. But we still live in a broken world. Remember the original purpose of Christmas, the first advent of Jesus

Cry out to the one who came to bind up the broken hearted

Then cry out to the one who came to bind up the broken hearted. So give yourself space and grace. Give others space and grace. Learn what hope might look like while grieving, what hope in Jesus might look like. Remember the original purpose of Christmas, and cry out to the one who came to bind up the broken hearted.

That's what Mary and Martha did. They sent a letter. They said, “Lord, the one whom you love is sick.” And that's us, too. I mean, how many times have we prayed a short, just super factual, “Lord, my child is sick, help!” That's what he wants.

Don't be afraid. If you are struggling with anger, or you're struggling with different emotions that make it unclear in your head what you actually think. And I'm only saying this from experience. Still cry out to God. Bring that to him. He can handle it.

And as you cry out to him, ask him to help you sort it through and sort it out and work through it and then listen to him.

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Read the words of the One who's proven to be the resurrection and the life

So don't just stop there, read his word, and listen to the Holy Spirit as it works in your heart. His words from the Bible read the words of the One who's proven to be the resurrection and the life.

Now when my heart tasted so closely the pains of death with the death of my child, I hated death. I hate it. I don’t celebrate Halloween because it celebrates death. At least that’s the way I see it.

And ever since my baby died, I feel the sharp pains of death more keenly. This kind of separation is terrible. I don't think of this as graduation, as some of my dear friends have tried to comfort me with. It's not because my baby was perfect and God wanted him back home. No.

This kind of separation is what Jesus came to end. He came to die in order to end it. I think that most people say that Jesus came to die for my sins. And yeah, yep, that's true. But please don't stop there! James says in James 1:5 that “sin when fully grown brings forth death.” And Jesus came to die for sins and it's disgusting end. And I am so thankful that I have this hope.

Jesus gives me a sure hope that moves my heart to want to admit my sin to him, find peace between me and God, and then point others to Jesus, to that cross and say, “I deserve that, I deserve that. So thank you, Jesus taking my place.” Then my heart overflows, and it wants to share this love with whoever will listen.

Closing Prayer

So my prayer finishing this out is that you will find space and grace. Let me just pray right now, actually.

“God, I pray for the momma listening or the friend or family member who's listening to find out how they can support this sweet mama who's lost. It is so hard, and you know the depth of the hardness of loss so much more deeply than we even do, God. I pray that you would allow this mom to find space and grace to grieve during the holidays, empower them to give space and grace to let others be happy, and help them to realize that they don't have to act happy to have hope. I pray that the hope of Jesus would be evident in their lives, not just to themselves, but to those around them. I ask that you would help them remember the original purpose of Christmas and that would give them hope while they're grieving. I pray that they would feel your nearness in their need, and that they would cry out to you, the one who came to bind up the broken hearted. I pray that they would read your words, the words of Life, the words of the One who's proven to be the resurrection and the life. God, give them the kind of joy that is stable through the worst storm. Not one that seems like simple, frivolous happiness, but a sure hope that's grounded in Jesus. In Jesus name. Amen.”

Soli Deo Gloria,

Kathy Clum