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Hope after loss… you might be totally rolling your eyes right now. 🙄

Depending on where you are on your journey of grief after miscarriage or infant loss, hope and healing might seem impossible or even repugnant.

I get it. Losing a baby is an incredibly traumatic and devastating experience for any parent. It's a heartbreaking and painful event that leaves lasting pain and heartache.

Why hope is hard to find

That’s why it’s totally understandable that finding hope might be challenging and hard to believe for a mother who has lost a baby. Here are a few reasons why this might be the case:

Grief and Loss

The loss of a child can trigger intense feelings of grief, sadness, anger, and despair. These emotions can be overwhelming and make it difficult to see beyond the pain. It takes time and support to navigate through the grieving process and eventually find hope.

Sense of Identity and Purpose

Losing a child can shake a mother's sense of identity and purpose. She may question her role as a caregiver and struggle with feelings of guilt or inadequacy, even if there’s not a reason for it. Rebuilding a sense of self and finding meaning in life after such a loss can be a gradual and challenging process.

Fear of Future Loss

The experience of losing a baby can create a deep fear of further loss or potential pain. This fear can make it hard to believe in the possibility of hope, as the mother may worry that allowing herself to hope could lead to more disappointment and heartache.

Emotional Healing

Healing from the loss of a baby is not a linear process. It involves facing and processing complex emotions, which can be both physically and emotionally draining. The journey of healing requires time, patience, and professional support to help rebuild hope and resilience.

Coping with Triggers

The world may feel like a constant reminder of the loss, with triggers that bring back painful memories or emotions. Everyday situations such as seeing other babies or attending events that involve children can be particularly challenging and make it harder to believe in hope.

Honestly, I struggled with all of these so much after my loss. For a long time, I wasn’t trying to make it through the day… I was just trying to make it through the next hour. I needed moment by moment grace.

It's important to remember that everyone grieves differently, and there is no set timeline for healing. Each person's journey is so unique, and it's crucial to provide understanding, compassion, and support to a mama who has experienced such a profound loss.

Encouraging her to seek professional help, lean hard into God through Bible study and prayer, connecting with support groups, and offering a safe space for her to express her emotions can be a huge help in finding hope.

But before we get too much into that, you first need to know what hope is not.

What hope is not

Finding hope after miscarriage or infant loss is not “life back to normal.” The truth is when I first found out I was expecting my baby, my life forever changed. Even though he only was with us for a very short time and we struggled for years to get pregnant with our rainbow baby, there was no going back. Everything about my life felt different.

Now, honestly, this was both good and very hard. The very hard stuff like depression, major anxiety, despair, deep grief, health issues, triggers, identity crisis, confusion, anger, jealousy, etc.

– things I would never choose –

pushed me into the very good → Jesus, a longing for heaven, and an anticipation for when all things will be made new and death will be no more.

🚫 So, you can see that finding hope is not moving on or moving past.

🚫 It’s not ignoring the pain and living in a fantasy world as if everything is okay when it’s not.

🚫 It’s not being strong enough to muscle through it, plaster a smile on, and somehow being fine.

🚫 It’s not memorizing two Bible verses and feeling better in the morning.

🚫 It’s not a level you achieve and then you never struggle again.

🚫 It’s definitely not forgetting your baby in any way.

But depending on where you are on your journey after loss, how long it’s been, and how well you feel supported, the idea of hope or healing may seem far off, if not impossible.

I’d love to give you some hope that there’s hope for you. ❤️

Personal Ads

Bible based prayers for Bereaved parents

I remember a time in particular when I didn’t have hope. It was only a month after my son passed away, and I didn’t know how I could live the rest of my life without my son.

As I was getting ready for bed, I was weeping. My chest physically hurt, and I cried out to God telling him the pain I felt deep in my heart and throughout my whole body.

“I can’t live the rest of my life without my baby! Take me now!”

I know this sounds weird, but it was like I had a conversation with God. (I know good, godly people who have varying opinions on testimonies like this, so take it or leave it.) Reminding me of the conversation God had with Abraham in Genesis 18, it was like the Holy Spirit said, “If it were a few years before you saw Jack again in heaven, could you make it?”

My heart said, “If it were only a few years before I saw my son again, then I think I could make it. I’d count down the days.”

“If it were 5 years could you make it?”

“I think I might be able to make it 5 years.”

“What about 10 years? Could you make it 10 years?”

“I guess if I knew it was 10 years, then I could maybe make it.”

This back-and-forth kept going till I got to when I thought would be the most likely max number of years possible for my life on earth.

“If there were 70 or more years that I had left for you to live on earth before you came home and saw me and your baby Jack, could you make it?”

“Oh Lord! I could only make it if you were with me every step! Only if you helped could I live that long without my baby! I need you! Please help me.”

And that’s when I felt for the first time the comforting nearness of God after my baby passed away from my arms into Jesus’.

I wept as I collapsed into what felt like the arms of Jesus. I didn’t just come to a new understanding of the presence of God, I actually experienced it.

Jesus is with me every. step. of. the. way. through this dark valley of death.

My hope wasn’t in forgetting. My hope wasn’t in everything getting better in this life. My hope was in Jesus.

And here’s the thing I see a lot of people get wrong. In their effort to find hope and healing after loss, they search for healing before they find a sure hope.

Hope before healing

This was me actually. The pain of losing my baby was so great that I was almost ready to try anything that promised relief or healing. Whether I found it on my own or it was suggested by a well-meaning friend, if a means of healing is not helping you know Jesus more then it may not be actually helping you.

Am I saying that everything you do to try to heal should be found in the Bible? No. ha! No, not at all. Professional help is often needed, sometimes medication or supplements are needed, and extra sleep may definitely be needed. But if therapy or medications or whatever helps, it’s not so you can say, “See, I didn’t need Jesus.” But so that the clarity of mind or the calmed nerves or the positive result of those modes of healing help you lean into Jesus more.

Anybody else struggle to remember those Bible verses you tried to hide in your heart for such a time as this but your nerves are too fried to focus? Yeah… me too. ✋

But hear me out on this – while I was getting counseling, I started to see more of who Jesus really is and how he interacts with my pain and loss. My hope began to transfer from a good, easy life to Jesus himself. I used to want to do everything I could to have comfort and fun in life. But after that was torn from me, and I saw that my idols were not in my control anyway, and most importantly I saw how Jesus really is the greatest treasure, then God changed my desires and actions to do everything I could to be closer to Jesus and pursue him as the greatest treasure that he is.

This was not overnight. This took yeeeeaarrrsss and is still taking place. But do you see the sequence? While I initially tried to find healing elsewhere, I came to a point where I first had to find my hope in Jesus – my hope for healing, my hope for life. Then I started to find healing.

I had to realize like Peter did in John 6:68, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”

And, boy oh boy, when death so deeply shreds your heart, you thirst for life.

Read why God’s Words are the best words for a hurting heart.

5 ways to foster hope after loss

1. Recognize fears and lies and combat them with the Truth

You know that sentence that keeps floating around in your head? Specifically the one that brings fear or anxiety? Yeah, that’s the one. Honestly, it’s probably a lie. So let’s replace it with the Truth about who God is and how he interacts with your pain.

If you’re not sure exactly what this looks like, check out New Mercy Moms | the workshop where you’ll learn step-by-step how to fight fear and foster faith after loss.

2. Find community that helps you see Jesus more clearly in suffering

The best is if you can find this type of community in your local church. But I realize that’s not always an option and oftentimes more support is helpful too. Perhaps a friend or family member who’s suffered can help be the hands and feet of Jesus as you journey through your grief.

3. Fast from things that don’t help you love Jesus more

I get it. It’s so easy to numb the pain a little with retail therapy, music, podcasts, movies, social media scrolling, a little drink, etc. They may not necessarily be wrong, but if it doesn't help you love Jesus more, then it may be more of a burden over time. And what does Paul say? “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” Hebrews 12:1

4. Fill your heart and mind with godly counsel

This could be in the form of music, podcasts, sermons, movies, hanging out with fellow Jesus lovers, etc. I found that reading stories of Christians who’ve suffered and continued to love Jesus was something that was a huge encouragement to me. I particularly treasured VOM radio podcasts, Voice Of The Martyrs magazine, and their books Hearts Of Fire and When Faith Is Forbidden.

5. Dive into the Word and share it with others

This is where change happens. Death is all around us and in us. We need words that truly give life. Read more of why God’s Word is the best word for the hurting heart in this post.((link to post)) Daily time in the Bible is really a matter of life and death. Which one do you want to rule in your life? That’s what I thought. So then where do you go to get life? Let this verse echo again in your mind and heart: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” John 6:68

If you want to deep dive into how to grow and nurture hope after loss while at the same time fighting the fears and lies that so easily steal it away, then check out New Mercy Moms | the workshop. This is our signature workshop that teaches effective tools that frankly, every Christian should learn, especially if you or someone you love has suffered miscarriage or infant loss. Check it out here.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Kathy