How Losing My Baby Changed My Mind About Feminism

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Disclaimer: How people define feminism is different, but essentially it’s the belief that all genders have equal rights.

Early beliefs

While I personally didn’t subscribe to every aspect of feminism, it definitely influenced my view of God and his love, genders and their roles, and even myself.

Thankfully, I grew up knowing that my voice and opinion had worth. And that was before social media existed! 🤯 I also believed that everyone’s voice and opinion mattered, although I’m sure my natural selfishness kept me from living that out well as I grew up.

The downhill

When I was in college, I read a book about what a Christian marriage should look like. I was so mad after reading it. It’s been a while since I read it, but what I remember thinking after reading it was “If that’s what marriage is supposed to look like, then I don’t want it.” I thought that if I was in a marriage like the one described in this book, then I would have to suppress who I really was. It would mean that my voice doesn’t really matter when it comes down to it, and I’d be more like a servant to my husband rather than a partner. Bleh. 😶 No thanks.

Not gonna lie, I can totally be Miss Bossy Pants. Strength? Weakness? Maybe it’s both.

But inside I really did want to marry. I really wanted a deep friendship with a husband who would love me no matter what mess I brought into our marriage. To be fully known and fully loved – it almost seemed like a pipe dream for me… but I wanted it.

Eventually, I did get married. (Yay!) But I continuously wore a chip on my shoulder as I waited to be “put in my place.” But the truth is, that while every married couple has things to work through (what can you expect with two sinners?), my poor expectations of being cut down weren’t reality.

What I see often with a feminist mindset is that men are proactively demeaned. I expected the worst because I didn’t think men in general got it. I mean, could they really be caring, thoughtful, and selflessly love? My limited experience said…. depends.

Ultimately, my identity was looking at what I could do. The belief that men are just a tool to help me be awesome crept into my thinking. “I am really great at X, Y, and Z, and men are not so, therefore, I have worth and they do not.” Lame lies.

“Look, I can grow a baby in my tummy. You can’t. I’m cool, and you’re well… I won’t say it because I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” I know, I know. It’s dripping with gross pride.

What happened

In God’s grace and discipline, he didn’t let me sit in my cesspool of nasty ‘ol conceit.

The proverbial rug was pulled out from under me. I lost my baby. My baby boy was full term and it was completely unexpected.

I was reeling in such deep heart pain. And since I naturally love controlling things, I wanted to control my pain. Except I couldn’t. It was too big… too overwhelming. So I tried to run.

I’m a runner at heart – my heart wants to run from things I don’t like. And I didn’t like the pain. So I tried to run from the pain. I tried to run from all that reminded me of the pain. I say this very vulnerably… I tried to run from God, my husband, and even my life.

But even my desire to control and then run was rooted in something deeper. It’s a belief in a lie. A big one too. I was believing a lie about who God is.

The truth is, this is the same root for sin since the beginning of time.

Look, we all know that we hear truth and lies every day. We have to discern if what we hear and see is one or the other 👉 Is this real? Is this fake? But the problem isn’t necessarily whether or not we hear it, but whether or not we let it sit and soak into our minds.

What do we let our minds be filled with?

If you fill your mind with truth about who God is, then an error can be spotted more quickly and be addressed properly. But if the mind and heart are not grounded in truth, then there will probably be openness to other sources of “truth.”

The heart is always seeking truth. But the mind needs to guide it to what is actually true.

Where do we find truth, especially about who God is? We find it in God’s Word. So we have to get it in anyway we can.

If you’re interested in an actual system to help you fight the lies, fears, and anxieties that happen in life, especially after child loss, then I’d like to invite you to check out New Mercy Moms | the workshop.

Personal Ads

Really, I could write a book about my loss and what God has taught me, but the point I really want to focus on in this post is how my feminist beliefs were rooted in me questioning God.

I questioned… “Did God really say…?”

“Did God really say that what he designed is good? Did he really make my body and marriage roles good? Is his sovereign rule really good? Is my submission good?”

Why this was a problem

You might be wondering, what’s the big deal? I get it. I don’t believe questioning God is really the problem unless we don’t go to God for the answer.

My feminist mindset was unnoticeably a part of my everyday life. Not sure if I would ever have recognized it if I hadn’t been confronted about it.

So the questions that my heart was asking quietly, my mind didn’t really notice. I was unintentionally open to other sources of “truth.”

Hindsight sees that my biggest problems were how it affected my view of self, my view of my husband, and most importantly my view of God.

I started to believe my identity as a woman was based on what I could do. I started to get really frustrated and feel oppressed by the God-ordained roles in marriage (didn’t matter that I have a wonderful husband). I believed that God’s love was more transactional- I follow him, I should get a good life. I believed His sovereignty, goodness, and love weren’t much deeper than that.

How my mindset shifted

This may sound trite but I really mean this: It’s amazing how introspective you become when you go through something traumatic.

When my son died, I questioned everything. I mean e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

One day, in particular, I was yelling around our apartment, slamming doors, angry at God. My husband wasn’t sure what to do. I mean, how do you help your wife who’s freaking out and saying terrible things about God? I was so convinced that if God was real, he sure was mean.

God supernaturally gave my husband patience and compassion in a heated hour. While I was fuming and shaking with anger, he sat on the bed, pulled out his Bible, and started reading out loud in Isaiah and then in Hosea.

I then started arguing with what he was reading. “Oh really?! God’s in control? Then he sure does hate me!” “He loves me?! Well, he has a terrible way of showing it!” Then the Holy Spirit reminded me that God’s love is actually Jesus dying on the cross. “If Jesus dying shows me God’s love, then it doesn’t actually do much for me right now.”

At this point, I think my husband was reading Hosea which tells the story of God’s relentless, loving pursuit of his chosen people as displayed through Hosea’s pursuit of his unfaithful wife.

And then I stopped dead in my tracks, and the thought hit me…

God is loving me right now.

Even in my blasphemy. Even in my anger. Even in my toddler-like tantrum, my God was loving me by allowing me to hear his Word at that moment. He didn’t leave me in my sin and ruin. He didn’t leave me in my unfaithfulness after my son died.

God pursued me.

(And he’s pursuing you too.)

The fire of anger simmered down. The Holy Spirit drenched my heart with the Truth being read. The change was imperceptible, yet undeniable.

I knew at that point that I had to humble myself under God’s definition of love. I can not redefine what God has made so clear.

This new, deeper understanding of God, his love, and his interaction with my pain moved me to a new action. Instead of hate words, I apologized to my husband and to God for my anger and asked for forgiveness. My husband and I prayed and asked God for help as we continued to grieve.

Personal Ads

What I believe now

Ok, I hear ya. You might be thinking: Interesting story, but what does that have to do with feminism?

As time went on after this event, my new understanding of God’s love (as defined by the Bible rather than my limited experience) affected all areas of my life.

My inability to grow a healthy baby forced me to realize that even the cool things women can do that men can’t (and vice versa) are actually gifts from God, not to praise our abilities but to praise God who made us.

I had to realize that if my view of God and his love was off, maybe my view of gender roles was off. Also, if God is good and loving as displayed through Jesus, then maybe what God says is better than what I think (or what other people write in books about marriage).

Essentially, I changed my mind about God’s love which changed my mind about feminism.

I now saw God’s law as a beautiful outpouring of God’s love. Why would I want to buck what is meant for my ultimate good? Why would I push against what I was designed to do? Why would I want to refuse what would be most fulfilling for me?

My heart began to echo what the Psalmist says in Psalm 19.

Psalm 19
The Law of the Lord Is Perfect
1 The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
2 Day to day pours out speech,
and night to night reveals knowledge.
3 There is no speech, nor are there words,
whose voice is not heard.
4 Their voice goes out through all the earth,
and their words to the end of the world.
In them he has set a tent for the sun,
5 which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber,
and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy.
6 Its rising is from the end of the heavens,
and its circuit to the end of them,
and there is nothing hidden from its heat.
7 The law of the Lord is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure,
making wise the simple;
8 the precepts of the Lord are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the Lord is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
9 the fear of the Lord is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules of the Lord are true,
and righteous altogether.
10 More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
11 Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 Who can discern his errors?
Declare me innocent from hidden faults.
13 Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins;
let them not have dominion over me!
Then I shall be blameless,
and innocent of great transgression.
14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

It also helps that God made me a boy mom. My firstborn who passed was a boy and after years of waiting God gave us 2 more boys. I don’t take that for granted. at. all.

I told my husband not too long ago, “I really love being a girl. There are so many great things about being female, and I thank God I’m a girl. I really want our boys to be thankful to God that he made them male. And really, I know there must be great things about being a guy, but I don’t really know them. Can you help me?”

So we prayed about it. And now I tell my boys often why I’m so thankful that they’re boys and the special roles God has given them. My prayer for them is that they will be strong men who love God and love others and who defend the widow and the orphan. That is such a manly thing to do.

I’ve learned that the differences in genders, their roles, and even individuals are beautiful and valuable. Differences do not diminish the beauty and value of similarities. Both should be celebrated in a God-praising way!

Summary

My journey through feminism took an unexpected turn when I faced the loss of my full-term baby boy. While I didn't fully embrace all aspects of feminism, it shaped my perception of equality and worth between genders. However, reading a book on Christian marriage in college left me questioning the potential suppression of my identity within marriage. The loss of my baby boy led me to confront not only my grief but also my distorted beliefs about God and his love.

In the depths of my pain and anger, my husband's compassionate reading of the Bible sparked a revelation: God's unwavering love was present even in my darkest moments because of what Jesus did on the cross.

This profound realization prompted a shift in my paradigm, eventually altering my stance on feminism. With a renewed understanding of God's love, I began to appreciate the beauty in embracing God's design for gender roles. This newfound appreciation extended into motherhood, and I'm now committed to raising my boys to honor and celebrate their roles while doing the same for our differences.

Through loss, God’s given me a deeper understanding of his love through Jesus and his giving of the Bible.

I’m thinking I should probably read a good book on biblical manhood. Any recommendations? Share below, please!

Soli Deo Gloria,

Kathy